Dear Amy: My brother is homo- phobic, and I am gay. I attended his first wedding, though I was not permitted to bring a date. That marriage ended, and I am now invited to his second wedding, again without a date. He has explicitly stated that he does not want to be around a gay couple.
I am debating whether I should go. My last communication with him only led to a clarification of his feelings — that he loves me as a brother but is quite intolerant of gay people.
Still, I don’t want to contribute to a rift with my mother, my nieces (who are too young to understand any of this) or my soon-to-be sister-in-law, who is a lovely and accepting woman.
I don’t wish to alienate them because of my brother’s choices. I feel a combination of ambivalence, frustration and anger. Also, I may be getting married in the near future.
Should I invite my brother and his wife? I consider this woman family and don’t want to treat her as any less. (Though I am tempted to invite my brother but not allow him to bring a date!)
I’m wondering if I should tell my mother I’m done trying to be his family.
This would hurt her deeply, and I would be very sad not to know my nieces. — Only Child
Dear Only: When faced with another person’s exclusion and cruelty, the most natural thing is to avoid that person to protect yourself — and send a message about what is and isn’t tolerable.
Your brother’s behavior is tempting you to change — to turn away from the loving, thoughtful and inclusive person you are — and become more like him. I’d like to encourage you not to change. You should behave the way you wish he would behave.
Because you believe in marriage for all people, it would be kind of you to attend your brother’s wedding.
However, if you have a life partner who is being excluded, then unfortunately you won’t be able to attend. It’s pretty simple. You should also invite your brother and his family to your wedding.
Whatever sorry example your brother may choose to set for his children is his business. If they’re lucky, your nieces will be able to look to you for a positive role model.
Dear Amy: I am a senior in high school and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Everyone has already applied to college, but all I want to do is go to California. College has never interested me.
I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel as though everyone has already made up their minds while I am sitting around waiting for a realization. Should I go to California and hope to make a living out there? I need help figuring out what my life’s purpose is! — Insecure Senior
Dear Senior: It is completely natural not to know what to do with your life. Figuring out your life’s purpose is a lifelong process.
You do need some kind of a plan, however. Your plan doesn’t have to be long term.
Community colleges are great places to pursue an education while you figure out what you want to do with your life. If you get started in your hometown, you’ll give yourself some time to make money, pursue an education and refine your plan to get to California.
Dear Amy: I laughed when I read the letter from “Smart Mom.” When my youngest was in seventh grade, he wanted to wear these huge baggy pants to school.
Of course I said no, and he said yes. This went back and forth about 10 times. So I went to plan B.
I told him he could wear the pants, but that I would be picking him up from school that day and I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when he saw what I would be wearing.
He went upstairs and changed. That was the end of that! — Another Faithful Reader
Dear Faithful: Brilliant!
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