Dear Margo: I recently moved to a new city to be closer to my parents and to start a new job as an attorney. The job didn’t work out, and I ended up opening my own firm. My father, also an attorney, has expressed interest in joining me “one day,” and my parents have provided some minimal financial support to get me started (office supplies, business cards, etc.). However, I ended up taking a loan from a friend for most of my initial expenses because I was constantly being questioned by my mother about the business decisions I was making. Meanwhile, my dad seems unwilling to take any sort of risk in starting this new firm, and now I’m not getting financial support at all.
My dilemma is this: I am already starting to feel resentful that I am doing all the work and taking all the risk in setting up this firm, and it looks like my dad only intends to join me once I am established. I also have very specific ideas about how to run my business, most of which I got from talking to other successful business people my own age. My parents’ ideas on how I should run things just don’t mesh with that and are outdated. How do I get out of this and keep my family relationship intact? I figure it is best to do it now while I am just starting. — Dilemma, Esq.
Dear Dil: Don’t make any announcements now, because you don’t have to. Because your parents are no longer contributing, even minimally, just finesse talking about your nascent law firm. Simply tell them you’re finding your way, that it was probably a good idea for them to bow out, and that for the time being it’s probably best to keep family and business issues separate. (You will probably want to keep things separate forever.) More deponent sayeth not. — Margo, individually
Trying to help
Dear Margo: A young lady of my acquaintance was born with several medical conditions, including Cerebral Palsy, hearing impairment and a degree of learning disability, yet she’s surprisingly intelligent and computer literate. Though an adult, she still lives at home. She does most of the household chores (for a large family). She’s been raised as a “normal” child with very little concession for her disabilities.
Now she’s at an age where marriage and children are foremost on her mind, but her mother refuses to allow her to grow up, beyond a few harmless (chaperoned) dates. She graduated from school, so she has no “outside” contact and little opportunity for a romance to blossom. I think the monthly check the mother receives accounts for a large part of her reluctance to allow her to have an independent life. After all, her medical problems do not interfere with her life, and if she is capable of keeping house for her mother, then she is capable of keeping house for herself. Talking to her mother is not an option. It’s been tried in the past with no success. — Entitled to Independence
Dear Ent: Since the mother is not a natural ally, I would take up the matter with the young woman you write about. If she would like to live independently, either in a group home or perhaps with a roommate, first establish with her physician that this is possible. Then enlist the appropriate social service agency to advocate for the young woman’s rights.
There’s a chance she may not wish to leave her mother’s home, in which case chances for a social life remain limited. You might encourage her to lobby her mother to socialize with a group of peers in exchange for staying at home. I suspect the mother has a fear that someone will take advantage of her sexually — which of course would do the young woman no good. In addition to the check she receives, it seems a little like her mother is getting maid service. Sounds complicated. Good luck. — Margo, pragmatically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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