Dear Amy: I’ve been with the same woman for almost two years.
We’re both 37 and have never been married. We’ve been engaged for four months, and we’ve been arguing every other day about minor stuff that has been misinterpreted.
When my fiancee has more than a couple of drinks, maybe once a month at most, she ends up wetting the bed.
She has alcoholism in her family, but she claims to be fine and doesn’t want to attend AA or Al-Anon meetings.
We’ve been seeing a therapist the past six months, which provides some help, yet we still end up arguing.
There are extreme highs and lows in our relationship, but despite promises to cut down or cut out the drinking, and despite getting engaged, she continues to slip, wetting the bed twice since we’ve been engaged.
I’m rethinking whether getting married to her is the right thing to do. — Worried Fiance
Dear Worried: The problems you two are having aren’t likely to recede once you get married — in fact, marriage will stretch and strain your relationship.
If you are rethinking getting married, you shouldn’t get married, at least not yet. Don’t get married until you are sure you two can tackle life’s challenges together.
Your fiancee’s drinking is creating a problem for you, and while you have pressured her to attend 12-step meetings, you don’t say you have attended any yourself.
Al-Anon would be helpful to you. Fellowship with other people whose lives are affected by a loved one’s drinking will help you to get in touch with your own experience and reactions. Check al-anon.ala for a local meeting.
Your fiancee should see her physician about her bed-wetting; I cannot imagine that this doesn’t bother her.
Dear Amy: I go out to eat with my cousin once a month, and we take turns picking up the check. When it is her turn to pay, she slides a religious pamphlet in with the payment, advising the waiter or waitress about what it takes to be “saved.” I find this proselytizing offensive and feel that it reflects on both of us, since she is paying for my meal.
It seems wrong to subject the waiter to a religious reading just to receive payment. — Offended
Dear Offended: If these pamphlets offend you, then you shouldn’t read them. They might not offend a waiter. You don’t mention talking about this, but it sounds like an ideal topic for you two cousins to discuss.
Dear Amy: I disagree with your stance that it is inappropriate to ask strangers about their ethnic background. I have lived in several countries in Africa and the Middle East.
When I ask someone if I may guess where they are from, they get excited. They think they have already won the game because they know Americans are painfully ignorant about geography.
When I guess correctly, they are thrilled that I know their country and where it is located, and we often have a friendly chat about their country.
I am American and I could easily pass for Canadian, but I was never offended by their incorrect guess.
I believe people should stop eagerly looking for an excuse to be insulted. Good grief, there are much more important things in the world. — Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth: An American “easily passing for Canadian” is different from someone approaching a stranger in a supermarket and guessing a person’s ethnic heritage — at least in my mind.
Many people commented on this issue, and while those who responded agree with you that Americans are ignorant about world geography, almost no one welcomed queries from strangers.
Americans of Asian, African or Middle Eastern heritage in particular don’t seem to welcome strangers asking, “Where are you from?” — especially if the answer is “America.”
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