Dear Amy: My 17-year-old son, “Michael,” lives with his mother in another city. He has been dating his girlfriend, “Emily,” for two years. She is a smart, nice girl and generally a good influence on him. They are very close and spend all of their free time together. I have talked to Michael about this, and Emily’s mother has spoken to her, but we have not made any headway.
I am concerned that my son does not have any friends outside of this relationship. Now the two of them are dead set on going to the same college.
Emily has chosen a school, and Michael feels obliged to go there too, even though that may not be the best choice for him. My son is a very high achiever and has a lot of options.
While Emily’s choice is a good school, I am against sending him to the same college for fear that he will miss the opportunity to grow as a person outside of this relationship.
I’m also concerned that if they break up, he will be stuck in a school that isn’t great for him with few or no friends other than her. On the other hand, I don’t feel as if I can just tell him where to go. My parents did that to me, and I resented it. I would gladly send him to a more expensive school, if it were a different school from Emily’s.
I could withhold my consent, but because my ex-wife doesn’t see this as a problem, it would ultimately lead to a costly legal battle. I’m at a loss. — Concerned Dad
Dear Dad: If “Emily” is isolating your son from his other friends and if the relationship is severely limiting his choices, he may be locked into a relationship that is not only exclusive, but also abusive. There may be no reason to be alarmed, but you and the other adults should talk about it.
Part of your son’s education is that he will be faced with the consequences of following someone to college, rather than leading himself there. If he is a high achiever, he will continue to be, and if he and his girlfriend break up, he will not be stuck at this school because he can exercise his options to stay or to transfer.
The real question is not about college but about why your son is in a relationship that is so exclusive that it is isolating. Also why is his girlfriend the one making these important decisions for him?
But the solution is not for you to make these decisions for him the way your parents did for you.
Lay out his options, voice your objections and the possible consequences — and then let him decide.
Dear Amy: My spouse and I recently attended a party at a friend’s house. The hostess had her 20-year-old daughter stationed behind the bar to serve drinks. I thought it was nice that the daughter was willing to help out by serving guests.
However, the daughter also had set up a tip jar on the bar. Every time she poured a drink for a guest, she pointed to the tip jar as if to encourage a donation.
What do you make of this? — Mrs. C
Dear Mrs. C: Most 20-year-olds can’t hold their liquor. I also don’t want them holding mine. Such immature displays are why 20-year-olds should not be posted behind — or in front of — the bar.
Dear Amy: I am responding to a query in your column asking how to act toward an abusive parent who is now ill.
I write from experience. My father sexually abused me and ran a reign of terror for my younger brothers when we were children.
He passed away last month. I saw him only once, briefly, in the last year of his life. After many years of therapy I simply had nothing more to say. I realized I’d let go of him as a parent long ago and my tears were cried then. — Not Sad
Dear Not: Victims of abuse should dictate the terms of the relationship — even if that means no contact.
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