Dear Amy: As a parent of three young children, I try to teach them basic manners in public, such as taking only one treat or toy when offered, not destroying the displays of trinkets at checkout counters and not running in stores.
At the same time I am busy insisting that my kids behave well, when they misbehave the store employees (and even other customers) frequently will smile at my kids and say directly to them, “That’s OK,” or, “No problem — he’s young,” or, “It’s OK; I’ll clean this up.”
This makes me crazy!
Real accidents sometimes do happen, but most of this behavior is not OK!
This response ultimately confuses my child about what is acceptable and what is not, which makes my job as a parent harder.
Sometimes other parents undermine me in this way too.
I am not an overly strict, controlling, or nasty parent!
I just believe that basic behavior rules are learned more easily when kids are young.
The eldest child is already considered one of the better- behaved kids in her class.
What can I say or do when this happens without making a big fuss?
I know they all mean well. — Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom: Of all of the things to criticize shopkeepers, clerks and fellow shoppers for — being too kind to your children seems unnecessarily harsh.
It is not someone else’s job to help you discipline your children.
I understand that in your view these kindly people are undermining you, but that is your problem — not a fault of theirs in need of correction.
Your response to this should be fairly simple: When Jimmy accidentally knocks over a floor display because he’s fumbling with its contents and a shopkeeper says, “That’s OK — he’s young, I’ll clean it up,” you can respond politely and correct your son by saying, “That is so nice of you to say, but Jimmy knows it isn’t OK, because we have already talked about this.”
Dear Amy: I am concerned about my mother. Two years ago she lost her job.
Since then she has become more introverted. She spends hours on Facebook. She sleeps a lot during the day and very little at night.
She makes excuses not to leave her house. She doesn’t see her family unless we come to her home. She is overweight and has a few health concerns.
When she was approached by a family friend about applying for a job that she is qualified to do, she made excuses that weren’t logical.
What can we do? — Freaked Out Family
Dear Freaked Out: Your mother is depressed, and her depression is affecting her sleeping, eating and ability to relate to the people who care so much about her.
One maddening aspect of depression is how it saps the person’s desire and ability to do anything about it. Your mother will need your assistance to get help.
Sit with her, and urge her to call her doctor while you are there. Take her to the appointment.
Dear Amy: Your advice for “Conflicted” was off the mark.
A friend’s boyfriend sexually solicited me years ago, and I was torn: to tell or not to tell.
My conscience won, and I told her; she didn’t believe me, and I lost a dear friend.
Despite this, I knew I had done the right thing. Years later, she caught him cheating. They broke up, and she apologized.
She should tell her friend immediately!
Regardless of what this woman does with the information, “Conflicted” will know that she did everything in her power to protect her friend. — Been There in N.Y.
Dear Been There: Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
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