Dear Amy: My two siblings and I live far away from our parents.
Over the past few years, my parents have asked us for help with their bills. We prompted them to get a loan modification, which has enabled them to stay in their current home, but they have accrued huge credit card debt in the process.
Our dad is self-employed. My mom has many health problems. To complicate matters, they are both alcoholics and are in their mid- 70s. On the request of my sister, they met with a nonprofit credit counselor who has consolidated their credit card debt down to a pretty large monthly sum.
We recently received another e-mail from my dad requesting a large sum of money to be sent as soon as possible to help pay bills. We reviewed all of the pleas for help and all the money given to them during a “crisis.” The amount of money we have sent them is substantial.
We love our parents but have had enough. They have acquired many valuable belongings, which we are sure they could sell. They are unwilling to consider this. We would also like them to claim bankruptcy and downsize to an apartment.
They have made minimal changes to their lifestyle. They still have landscapers, two cars, a cleaning service, two land lines and two cellphones and their large home. My brother told them he is unable to assist them financially but is willing to help them move out and sell things to make extra income.
My sister and I are financially able to help but feel that we are continuing to contribute to a very unsustainable situation and are at a loss as to how to proceed. — Desperate Daughter
Dear Desperate: Your parents will bounce from crisis to crisis — and their health issues will bring on yet more emergencies. You and your siblings must be on the same page regarding their care and welfare.
You and your siblings should get together via e-mail, conference call or in person to develop a strategy.
Seek professional help and advice through your local office on aging or the U.S. Administration on Aging’s eldercare website (eldercare ) or call 800-677-1116. You can also hire a geriatric care manager.
You should present a united front. You say, “Here is the reality of your situation. We can’t continue to pour money into your household. We are so sorry it has come to this, but you need to move, and we’d like to help.”
Dear Amy: In response to “Loving Father,” regarding disowning his daughter because she had moved in with a man who was not her equal, I would like to offer advice from my experience.
I didn’t disown my daughter when she did the same thing but came pretty close to it. Our communications were cut for over a year, until the day I got a call that my daughter had tried to commit suicide and was in the hospital.
I prayed that if she lived, I would never cut communications again. I would let her know that I always love her, even if we disagreed about things that were important. We rebuilt our relationship.
Over the years, she and I have not agreed on some things but have never let the disagreements stop us from loving one another. I feel blessed and I hope that the father will not disown his daughter. There is hope if he works on their relationship. — A Loving Mother and Grandmother
Dear Mother: I agree that “disowning” a child is not wise. When someone is in trouble, leave the door open for communication.
Dear Amy: Responding to the letter from “Fired,” the customer service representative who was terminated after an angry tweet from a disgruntled customer, it made me think twice about responding in a public way to frustration. Tweets can circulate and have disastrous consequences. — Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: “Fired” had an great suggestion: Count to 10 before pressing send.
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