Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been together for five-plus years (we are in our 50s). We have both been married before, he multiple times, and I have two elementary-age children. I have wanted to get married for the last two years, but he is not ready. We have been to counseling to see if we could identify issues that we might not have addressed.
Nothing came up. He just doesn’t think he’s ready because he is enjoying being single. He says he does see us married at some point.
I am stressed trying to maintain this relationship, raise two boys alone, maintain a household, work a demanding job, nurture my friendships and have time to myself.
He is very supportive of me. However, I am starting to get resentful and find myself pulling away. Am I doing the right thing? — Five-plus years and counting
Dear Counting: Why why why are you still counting?
He has been married “multiple times” and wants to breathe before getting married again. There’s clear, there’s crystal clear, and there’s the kind of clear you need to put stickers on so birds don’t mistake it for sky.
Let’s say you follow through on your plan to distance yourself. Everything else on your list will remain the same: the boys, the household, the demanding job, etc. It’ll just be without your boyfriend’s companionship.
If that’s appealing to you, then please do break up; if you don’t enjoy him just for the sake of his company, then he’s the last person you want to marry.
If instead you’d miss his companionship, then why don’t you just take him at his word, stop tap-tapping your foot while you wait for commitment, and accept that “boyfriend” is all he is?
It’s even a viewpoint you can try on without committing to it yourself. Don’t break up or press further for more. Instead, make one mental adjustment: Walk into your next romantic occasion with the absolute certainty that he isn’t going to propose to you. Not to take the pressure off him, but to take it off yourself.
His limited role has been your reality for some time, so the only change is that you’d be living it truthfully instead of with false expectations. If you don’t want him as-is, then you can walk away.
Dear Carolyn: I finished graduate school last year and have been working as a researcher since last May. I had gotten a job offer in a cool city from a collaborator who really wanted to work with me. The pay was equal to what I make now, but it would have been a really fun and fascinating position. I turned it down to be with my boyfriend. I have been applying for a ton of jobs but have been unable to find something else in my city.
I know I am responsible for my own decisions, but I am starting to resent my live-in boyfriend. He won’t do a long-distance relationship, and so I’m “stuck” here. I feel frustrated that I spent so long in grad school getting a doctorate, I’m so bored at my current job, and I just want to figure out my life. — Graduate degree, looking for a job and stressed
Dear Stressed: Yes, you are responsible for your own decisions.
Please open your job search to include any city that holds the promise of more interesting work. Right now, your only options are the job you’re in, and your imagination. Line up something real, and see if you’d still choose what you have — job, town, man.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost , or chat with her online at 10 a.m. Fridays at .
