Dear Amy: During childhood, my husband’s parents blatantly favored him at the expense of his siblings. For the 25 years we have been married, he, I and our two children have been the target of his brother’s resentment, acted out at their family’s frequent gatherings.
While I tolerated snide remarks and subtle insults toward my husband and me for many years (for the sake of supposed family harmony), my tolerance disappeared when the commentary began being directed at my children.
My husband recognizes and acknowledges his brother’s negative behavior but won’t stand up for himself or any of us. I think he feels guilty.
This brother (and now his children) has become more aggressive and insulting over time, and I wait in dread during every family get-together for the inevitable zinger.
My stated policy is that my husband is welcome to spend time with his family alone, but I always feel bad that my feelings and my daughter’s aren’t important enough for him to defend.
We’ve spoken to his parents about it, but since they are the culprits behind all of this they aren’t inclined to fix it now. Any advice as to how to handle this going forward? — Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Your husband and his parents are aware of this problem and are also aware of how it affects you and your children. They have had ample opportunities to say or do something about this dynamic and either can’t or won’t act.
So — tag, you’re it.
The next time this happens, you could say, “This has been going on for some time and I haven’t spoken up. But the next time you launch a zinger at me or the kids, we’ll be leaving. Understand? I’ve had it.”
Your brother-in-law may not care to spend time in your company and so his behavior may not change, but if your husband and in-laws want you and the kids around, they may exert some pressure.
Dear Amy: I’m 24 years old and was with my boyfriend for eight years. He recently ended the relationship. He says that he wants his space to work on himself and does not want to have to worry about someone else right now.
Our relationship was never perfect, but we stayed together because we loved each other. He says he does not want to get back together but would like to remain friends. He knows that this is not what I want.
He has now suggested that it would be best if we did not contact each other for a little while.
I feel I am in a deep hole — everything reminds me of him, I can cry at the drop of a hat and am really down.
Sometimes he says things like, “If we ever did get back together . . .,” which gives me hope, but it may be false hope. My friends and family think I should concentrate on myself right now.
Is there any hope for us? If not, what can I do to get over him? — Hoping
Dear Hoping: You don’t want to hear this, but what you need now is to get angry and move this guy from the “friend” category to the “ex” category.
He should not be stringing you along, and you should not allow yourself to be strung. You should not be in touch with him. At all.
Ask your friends and family to help you. Let them prop you up. And definitely concentrate on yourself.
This will take time, but if you take a strong and deliberate hand in your own recovery, you will feel better.
Dear Amy: I have a perfect response for anyone who doesn’t want to listen to gossip. It was used on me many years ago by one of my friends when I found myself gossiping about another acquaintance. She said to me with a smile in a very nice tone, “You know, she speaks very highly of you.”
Needless to say, that stopped me in my tracks and made me realize what I was doing. — Bonnie
Dear Bonnie: I agree that this response is a great way to get people to reflect on their behavior.
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
