As Mother’s and Father’s Days approach, mommies are in the news. Prowling through our neighborhoods are tiger moms, mama grizzles, soccer moms, even Octo-mom, who sounds like a Marvel character from Spiderman.
I’m sure Mono-moms are jealous. When these ladies are attacked for their fierce mothering postures, I don’t know whether to call animal control or the S.P.C.A.
So why can’t we daddies get cool names? Dude, bro, man, not much there.
Baby daddies, some flash but no depth. No glory in sperm donor. Coach I like. My hero, there’s a keeper. Dad, that’s good. Protector of the free world — but that’s both parents. Which is why we deserve these names in the first place, we are parents.
To be mom or dad, you need a child. There’s our focus. And it has to be someone from our own species — parent status does not extend to our doggies, kitties, fish, birds, emus, etc. Sometimes we get confused about that, confusing non-human pets as our children. We need a little species solidarity here. Kids come first — and I don’t mean young goats.
Human kids also have fur, cute eyes, pudgy little legs — they grow on you. And from you.
With so much attention on mom and dad, our role and identity, our struggles and wins, we may forget the point is the children. Something to keep in mind with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day looming on the calendar — yes, the kids will do something special for us, and we will honor each other, but it is also a time to say and show how much we love our kids.
Tigers, grizzles, they capture the fierceness we need in protecting our young — but I wonder if we mistake fierceness for extreme. Nurturing children doesn’t have to be the X Games. Every time we satisfy our child’s hunger, bathe him, comb her hair, even set the alarm for a mid-night feeding, it’s not like we have to thump our pecs and make an X with our arms over our chests.
Parenting works best when we do ordinary tasks with extraordinary care and love. You don’t need to be best, or extreme as a parent. We do great when we regulate the chaos of their early years — setting boundaries, enforcing them, adjusting to change, holding close, letting loose. Being a parent is more honorable than heroic — daily being there, when they go to sleep and rise, the meal shared, a note tucked in their coat pocket, coming to the games and pageants, visits to grandma. The best gift is Time.
As they grow, we help them look more outward. They see begging women and men from the car; think about what to tell them about that. Cultivate their natural compassion, watch for signs of bullying and being bullied, listen, ask a clear question, see if they understand it, then shut up and listen.
They see things on TV, they hear stories, they hear words like hate, rape; be flexible, see how serious they are, then talk to them at their developmental stage, don’t measure everything by chronological age. Protect them, yes, but keep opening windows to a wider world, through books, movies, music, meeting interesting, different people.
I learned from my dad to dress well, stand up straight for myself and others; I learned baseball, humor, brotherhood, and to honor women. I was scared of him sometimes, but we eventually hugged, too. I know he loved my mom. Since he died many years ago, I miss his smell-sweat, aftershave, tobacco — I miss him more, it hurts less. He was a really good dad, and my mom was a really good mom, in an ordinary way.
The writer George Eliot wrote “The growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me…is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in invisible tombs.” Go, grow your good through your children.
Dennis Kennedy is director of Communications and Government Relations at Mount Saint Vincent Home in Denver. EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an online-only column and has not been edited.
