Dear Carolyn: We just got an invitation to the baptism of my seventh nephew on my husband’s side. Again, we were not considered as godparents. I feel snubbed.
My husband and I are members of a church of the same denomination as his siblings but a more liberal synod. In my family, as in my husband’s, naming someone as a godparent is a way to forge a stronger connection between an aunt and uncle (or family friend) and a specific child. I feel like the refusal of my husband’s siblings to regard us as spiritual equals is a way of pushing us further from their kids’ lives.
I have no desire to go to this umpteenth baptism, but that feels like a petty reaction. Is this a legitimate snub? My husband thinks this is no big deal and would still like his brother and sister to be the godparents for our future (hypothetical) offspring.
— Miffed in the Midwest
Dear Miffed: Because you regard being a godparent as a way to forge a connection with your nephew, and because you want to be his godparent, you’re saying you want badly to forge a stronger connection to your nephew.
Boycotting the baptism in a wounded huff would be petty, yes, and that’s the main reason to suck it up and go.
Your hurt feelings sound justified, and exclusion is a big deal, even when it’s inadvertent or not about you. Your husband’s approach better serves your needs. Patch your ego, and go.
Dear Carolyn: My granddaughter will be having her second birthday soon, and my daughter would like me to come to the party. Reasonable request, except it is hard for me to deal with my ex.
We divorced 15 years ago after I confronted her with evidence of an affair. She confessed to three affairs in a span of five years. I suspect there was also one going on with one of my best friends. Of course there were denials and lies. She ended up marrying that friend about a year after we divorced.
At the time, my daughter was 14, and I didn’t want to subject her to a custody battle, so I moved out and relocated close to her. I remarried two years later and left the area. I have since moved back near my daughter.
When she asked if I would come to the party, I said I wasn’t in a good place emotionally to attend with my ex/her mom present and asked if we could celebrate her birthday separately.
My daughter was disappointed. She asked: “Does this mean you won’t come to any events?” I told her I would think about the birthday invitation.
It is hard for me to feel that I can be part of one big happy family and pretend nothing happened. Is that an unreasonable request? — Head or heart
Dear H or H: What is this, Suck It Up and Go Day?
Your daughter isn’t inviting you to “pretend nothing happened.” That’s a leap you made to justify not going.
Please take the invitation at face value. It’s appropriate that both maternal grandparents be included.
You don’t say whether you’ve dodged your ex all this time but if you have been boycotting your daughter’s milestones since the late 1990s just to avoid your ex, then please go to the nearest mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say: “Seriously?”
Too mean. How ’bout: “I can do better.”
E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at .
