Dear Amy: I’m a 17-year-old senior in high school, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. He’s close to my age, and we have many things in common, including what we want to do with our lives. We do truly love each other, and we agreed to spend the rest of our lives together, but the big problem is marriage.
I have never wanted to get married, partly because I watched my parents’ marriage fall apart before my eyes.
My boyfriend, however, is a Christian (as are his parents), and it would embarrass his family if he and I lived together before marriage.
Is there any halfway solution to this? I love my boyfriend to death, but I’m afraid that getting married will ruin our relationship, as I’ve seen happen many times before. — Not the Blushing Bride
Dear Not: You are a teenager. So though you are definitely old enough to be in love, you aren’t old or mature enough to make a decision about marriage.
The appropriate halfway solution for you and your guy is for you to be in a committed relationship but not live together. You two should use the next few years to pursue your goals for higher education and to find a profession.
You should continue to talk about your relationship and where marriage fits into it because as individuals and as a couple, your personal feelings about marriage (both for and against) likely will change.
As you age and gain experience, I hope you will learn that marriage didn’t kill your parents’ relationship.
Dear Amy: My best friend recently got engaged to her longtime on-again, off-again boyfriend.
He treats her like absolute dirt. She works two jobs to pay the bills while he spends all of his money on going out and partying with friends.
The worst part about it is that he is not only mentally but also physically abusive toward her.
She sees it all and understands that he treats her horribly, and she keeps saying she’s going to leave but it seems that she’s scared to be alone.
I’m running out of things to say to her, and I don’t know what else I can do to help prevent this obvious disaster. — Concerned Best Friend
Dear Concerned: As a concerned and worried best friend, one of the most maddening challenges for you will be the realization that you cannot make your friend leave this abusive relationship.
You can only continue to support her as a friend. Not support her choices, necessarily, but support her.
You owe your friend an honest reaction to her situation by making clear statements like: “I worry about you. I’m scared for you. I want you to get help. I’ll offer you a place to stay. You won’t be alone.”
The National Domestic Violence Hotline runs a very helpful website () and phone hotline for people in crisis and those who care about them. Have the number on hand, and share it with her: 800-799-SAFE (7233).
Try not to judge your friend if she is unable or chooses not to leave. People stay in abusive relationships for many and complicated reasons.
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
