Dear Amy: Our almost 12-year-old daughter, who just started middle school, has wanted a cellphone for some time. Her main reason is that her neighborhood friends and most of the kids from her elementary school already have one.
The neighbor kids mainly use them to text their friends, and they exhibit many of the rude and exclusionary behaviors that seem to go along with these devices.
These kids are teasing our daughter for not having a phone, and she is worried that she will be taunted in middle school because of this.
We have held the line for many reasons, primarily because of inappropriate behavior, both on her part (rudeness, overuse of texting) and that of others (sexting, bullying).
At the same time, we think if we set ground rules, she would follow them easily. We also understand that fitting in as much as possible is part of a child’s “armor.”
She is adopted from an Asian country and we are Caucasian, so she already feels different. Our desire to be responsible is made more difficult by parents who hand their kids a cellphone without any rules or conditions.
We would appreciate knowing your thoughts and perhaps those of other parents who have faced this situation. — Not Sold on Cells
Dear Sold: Your daughter’s concerns about taunting and bullying in middle school reveal a larger question than the one over acquiring a cellphone. Your whole family seems a little insecure about this next phase in her life. You should plunge in and get as involved as possible in school and extra activities such as sports, music, art and drama.
You should get to know other parents, too.
Cellphones don’t cause bullying and inappropriate behavior — but the technology involved does create a disconnect between the perpetrator and the action.
If you feel strongly that your daughter should not have a cellphone, then stick to your guns. If you are merely unsure, then I suggest you give her a phone, conditionally, and see how things go.
Texting can become a problem, but this short-burst communicating can also promote friendships and relationships with friends and family members. I’ll happily run suggestions from other parents.
Dear Amy: Our 19-year-old daughter is in college and has a part-time job. She lives at home with her dad and me. One of her best friends has asked our daughter to be a bridesmaid at her spring wedding. She accepted.
She’s expected to cover the typical costs of being a bridesmaid and can handle that.
That said, the bride has now informed our daughter that because she is not of the same religion as the bride and groom, the church has forbidden her to walk the aisle or stand up for the couple at the wedding ceremony. They will, however, “allow” her to witness the ceremony from the pews.
This bothers her — and us. Our feeling is that she’s either a bridesmaid or she’s not. Should she bow out and attend the wedding as a regular guest? — Mother of a Pseudo Bridesmaid
Dear Mother: Your daughter isn’t writing to me, but if she did I would tell her that she is no longer a bridesmaid and is now a guest.
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