Dear Amy: I have a nephew. His mother, who was my sister, is deceased. I recently learned that he has fathered an illegitimate child.
This affair was going on while his wife was pregnant, giving birth and nursing a newborn.
I barely have words to describe how horrific I find his behavior on multiple levels.
His wife knows about this, and they are still together.
Officially, I know nothing.
The question on our side of the family is how we should handle this business now and over the next 40 or 50 years?
We want to do what is right for my sister’s new grandchild, and yet we don’t really want them coming to our house on Christmas morning, if you know what I mean.
I feel bad that this little girl will always be kind of a second-class child in our family.
What is the best way to handle the awful situation? — Anguished Aunt
Dear Aunt: If you don’t want this baby to be treated like a second-class citizen in your family, then stop treating her like one.
You don’t need to make a decision about how you will spend your Christmas mornings for the next 40 or 50 years.
You should start by making a choice about how to behave now, and then let the parents involved be your guide about the rest. I suggest you begin by making your knowledge of this “official.”
You should reach out and tell your nephew you are aware of the existence of this child. You don’t need to share your judgment about his behavior.
Because you seem to want to advocate in your sister’s memory, you can say to him, “I’m sure this is a confusing time, but I think your mother would want our family to embrace this child.”
Dear Amy: We have a 24-year-old cousin living with us temporarily as she looks for full-time employment.
I have two adolescent sons whom she seems to love, but she is constantly reprimanding them, often in front of me.
Yes, they can be annoying, and if they were specifically annoying her, I can see that she would need to say something to them.
However, when she reprimands them about their manners at the dinner table, their silly behavior or not doing their homework or chores, I get mad.
She is constantly on their case and is very critical.
I have asked the boys how they feel about this, and they said they don’t mind.
Am I being overprotective? Should I let it go — or address the issue? — Frustrated Mom
Dear Mom: Disciplining your children should be your job. If someone is going to get on their case over their table manners or silliness, it should be you.
Explain that you know the boys can be annoying little nut balls, but that disciplining and reprimanding them is your job. As you say, if the kids behave in a way that has a direct impact on your cousin, she should weigh in with an immediate correction.
If she reprimands them for something else in your presence, you can say, ” ‘Stephanie,’ as I told you before — I’ve got this covered.”
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
