Dear Amy: I have been married to a great man for 13 years. When we were dating, he was kind, thoughtful, supportive, positive, funny and the best listener I had ever known.
Slowly over time and four kids later, his true persona seems to have emerged.
He is negative, cold, condescending, crotchety and takes everything for granted.
He seems to think he is the victim of the world (although our life is very good).
Most of his negativity is directed at me.
I am a giver by nature and have happily taken responsibility for everything regarding our lives; all he has to do is go to work and do house maintenance. He’s got it great.
I don’t nag, and I do 95 percent of child care, all the cooking, laundry, finances, etc., with few breaks, as he is always too “busy” with home projects to help. I’m exhausted.
I try so hard to be attentive and positive, but I am starved for a little appreciation and support.
Mostly I’d like his affection and attention.
I have read all the marriage books, made sure he knows my desires and have begged to know his.
He promises to read and try to fix us too but doesn’t. It isn’t “horrible.” I do love him and he loves me — I think — but this is not happy or healthy. What can I do? — Worn-Out Wife
Dear Wife: Perhaps this isn’t your husband’s “true persona.” Maybe his true persona is hiding under layers of disappointment, anger and depression.
And maybe you give a little too much by taking responsibility for everything in your shared lives. If he had more responsibility for dealing with his own problems, he might not blame you when things don’t feel right.
You should ask your husband to acknowledge his unhappiness and its effect on others. Then he should “man up” and try to do something about it.
Urge him to see a counselor who has experience dealing with men’s issues.
He may feel better if he connects with a men’s discussion group. If he’s depressed, treatment will make a difference.
Dear Amy: Recently my son was married in another state.
He and his bride honored my request and invited close relatives and family friends to their wedding.
I have been generous to all of my nieces and nephews and my friends’ children in terms of attendance at (and gifts for) their special events.
While no doubt my siblings and family friends who attended all gave gifts to the couple, would it be wrong or in poor taste for me to inquire of the newlyweds whether those family members or friends who were not able to attend the wedding also responded with a gift?
I am not so much interested in “keeping score,” although that was my first instinct.
Mainly I would at least like to know that my son and new daughter-in-law were remembered and acknowledged. — Wondering Parent
Dear Wondering: You are keeping score. And it is unseemly, inappropriate and — yes — in poor taste.
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