Dear Amy: My 9-year-old daughter is on a soccer team that has had the same coach for the last three years. The coach is good; she is supportive and not too hard on the kids, and all the parents like her.
Unfortunately, the coach’s mother is a different story. She is loud, mean and inappropriate at games.
I have heard her taunt the referee (“Hey! You wanna borrow my glasses?”), yell insults across the field to opposite coaches and parents, and scream at girls on our team to play a certain way, even though we have a no-coaching-from-the-sidelines rule.
If it were any other parent, someone would say something to the coach, but it’s her mother, who, to be honest, completely dominates and constantly criticizes her daughter (our coach), as well. In truth, I think we’re all a little afraid of her and/or what she will say if called on this behavior.
In this case, is an anonymous note to the mother or to the coach appropriate? — Soccer Mom
Dear Mom: I’m not sure what an anonymous note would accomplish. Your coach already knows that her mother is a menace. Would a note illuminate the situation in some way? And wouldn’t a note further emphasize that this is a situation too delicate and embarrassing to face honestly?
Because this situation has occurred over time — and because this sideline abuse is likely affecting the kids — you should have a private word with the coach (perhaps after practice) and simply say, “I know this is awkward, but your mother is disruptive during games and I’m looking for some direction. Can you speak with her? Should I or another parent speak with her? Can the referees enforce the sideline rules?”
Don’t ask her to explain or make excuses for her mother’s behavior. Maintain a neutral stance, be open to suggestions, and understand and acknowledge that this is tricky.
Dear Amy: I recently went to a bar with my wife and son. We sat at the bar, with my son sitting between us.
I noticed a man (a complete stranger) come up to my wife and start talking to her. After a few minutes I started to feel uncomfortable. My wife and this stranger kept talking for a half-hour.
After we got home, I told my wife that her behavior was completely inappropriate and that she embarrassed me.
She said that there was nothing wrong with her behavior and that it was my fault. She said we should have been paying more attention to her or I should have walked over to where she was sitting to join the conversation.
— Upset Husband
Dear Husband: When you sit side by side at a bar, the seating itself invites conversation, as people approach the bar to order.
I agree that it would have been kindest for your wife to loop you in by introducing him to you early on: ” ‘Mac,’ I’d like you to meet my husband and our son. Mac was just telling me he grew up near my hometown. Honey, isn’t that something?”
She didn’t do this. But you also had an opportunity. You could have hoisted yourself off your stool, introduced yourself and made a new friend.
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