R. 1 hour, 50 minutes. At area theaters.
We will never know what it’s like to live forever, but we can get a taste of what eternity feels like with “Immortals.” The last time something this big and bloated moved this slowly was during the Ice Age.
It’s surprising the movie is so bad. It comes from Mark Canton and Gianni Nunnari, producers of the spirited “300,” and was directed by the visionary Tarsem Singh. The difference is that both “300,” based on the work of Frank Miller, and Singh’s past movies, such as the magnificent “The Fall,” had strong stories. This script has all the depth of a manhole cover.
Theseus (Henry Cavill) must rally the troops to stop the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) from wiping out most of Greece (not unlike that country’s current financial woes) with help from a handful of gods: Zeus (Luke Evans), Athena (Isabel Lucas) and Poseidon (Kellan Lutz).
There are some plot elements about a magic bow and arrow and a group of oracles who look like Justin Bieber backup dancers, but this is a one-note story that never resonates.
Cavill has the brawn to pull off the near-naked fight scenes where he swings a sword like a ceiling fan. The problem is when he has to deliver the hackneyed dialogue.
