Dear Amy: I am friends with (and frequently travel with) two sisters. At times, one of the sisters is extremely condescending and makes nasty comments
that indicate she thinks the other is stupid, incorrect or clueless. This is not the case.
The other sister is a very bright, capable woman whose main flaw (as far as I’m concerned) is not standing up for herself when she is verbally attacked.
This makes me very uncomfortable and I don’t know how to respond.
Occasionally, I have been the recipient of a stinging comment from this sister, but I deflect the criticism right back in her direction.
Any words of advice?
Dear Caught: This sister dynamic might be lifelong, powerful and resistant to your ability to affect it.
However, you have the right to try to influence a dynamic that you witness and which makes you uncomfortable.
This one sister sounds like a bully. If you three are together and she verbally attacks her sister, you should respond — plainly, clearly and honestly.
You say, “I really like you, but I really don’t like it when you do this. You can’t be nasty to me and other people in front of me. It makes me uncomfortable, I don’t like it and I’d like you to stop.”
Privately, you should ask the more passive sister how she feels about this treatment; assure her that she deserves respect and encourage her to stand up for herself.
Dear Amy: I read with interest the note from “Grieving,” who kept from her son the truth about his biological father.
My husband’s father died recently and the following year his mother had a stroke.
When we were going through her things to find papers we needed for the hospital, we came upon my husband’s adoption papers and learned that the man my husband believed was his biological father was not.
My mother-in-law had been married at 18, seven months before my husband was born. She was divorced the following year.
She married my father-in-law four years later and they had three other children together.
None of the children, including my husband, ever knew the truth about my husband’s adoption.
My husband was 47 when he learned about his birth.
Following this revelation he cut his mother out of his life entirely, in effect losing both parents in a little over a year.
He cannot and I believe will never forgive her for lying to him.
There were many times when she could and should have told him the truth.
I applaud you for urging your readers who may be keeping this secret to tell the truth.
While telling the truth may be hard, the pain caused by lying is immeasurable.
Dear Wife: I hope your husband chooses to get professional help in order to try to make sense of this.
His parents may have made the “wrong” choice, but it is important that he come to terms with it.
Surely he can understand that in his parents’ generation, this sort of family secret-keeping was more common.
Dear Amy: “Helpful Grandma” was posting negative responses to her grandchildren’s Facebook photos.
Grandma is trying to parent her grandchildren.
This is the parents’ job, not Grandma’s.
I remind my children often that the Internet is forever, and to be extremely careful of what they post as it can all come crashing down on them at a future job interview.
If Grandma wants to share in her grandchildren’s lives, she should do so without judgment, and pass off her comments to their parents who are better equipped to handle the situation.
Dear Not in NY: Scores of readers wish to tell “Helpful Grandma” that she is not being helpful.
Dear Amy: “Helpful Grandma” wanted to “save” her grandchildren from their offensive postings on Facebook.
My mother made it a habit of “creeping” on her grandchildren’s Facebook walls and would confront the kids about what was being posted and judge them and their friends as a result of the content.
I’m sure my mother thought she was being helpful, but the grandchildren have since “blocked” her.
My advice to Helpful Grandma is to mind her own business and be thankful that her grandchildren have even allowed her access to that part of their lives.
Dear Helpful: This grandma is begging for a “block.”
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