Dear Amy: My 10-year-old daughter finished a school project that took her hours of brainstorming, painting and gluing.
I made some suggestions and showed her how to apply papier-maiché. She did a great job and was very excited for the teacher’s reaction.
I was shocked when she came home from school yesterday and said that one of the other kids had her mother do the project and it was far better than hers.
I comforted my child and reminded her that her work shouldn’t be compared to an adult’s, but now I’m concerned.
What if there were other kids in the class who felt inferior; was that fair of the other child’s mother? Should I try to speak to the teacher? Should I be this bothered — Upset Mom
Dear Mom: Quick story: My daughter was in sixth grade and worked her little hands off on a homework project on ancient Rome.
The parents were invited into the classroom to view all of the finished projects and, like you, I was shocked to see that some looked as if they had been completed by a team of professionals.
When I praised the work of one classmate, whose many-columned Roman bath had actual running water, my daughter’s brilliant teacher sighed and said, “Yes, ‘Wendy’s’ dad worked very hard on that.”
The teachable moment here is between you and your daughter. She knows it’s not right for a parent to do this; you can also assure her that experienced teachers know who has done what and that, aside from whatever grade she gets, her reward is to know she has done right and done well.
Don’t hesitate to ask the teacher about this.
Dear Amy: My fiancée and I live together. Her family members (who live out of town) call her almost every day. They never have anything new to say, and all they do is stress her out with their suggestions.
I’ve told them a couple of times to try to limit their phone calls to every four or five days, but the calls then went back up from once a day back to four or five times a day, plus text messaging her when she doesn’t answer.
This is stressing her out so much that we had to call the paramedics because she was having chest pains after her family called her three times in a day, called her cellphone and left her a voice mail telling her to call them.
They don’t wait for her to call back; they just call over and over, every day.
I don’t know what else to do to let them know that there’s no need to call her every day. — Confused Fiancé
Dear Confused: This is your fiancée’s boundary to draw, and if her family members are stressing her out to the extent that she is literally landing in the hospital, then she needs to handle this definitively.
She can screen her calls or check her messages only once a day, or whenever she feels prepared and calm.
However, you might be part of the problem. This obviously bothers you very much, and the dynamic is a huge strain on your relationship.
You two need to figure out who “owns” this problem and then develop a consistent strategy for dealing with it.
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