Dear Amy: Can a sexless marriage last? My wife and I have been married for 17 years, and our sex life has been slowing down for a long time. If I averaged our sexual encounters throughout the years they would number no more than 10 times a year.
My wife and I get along great, and we are best friends. She is very attractive and fun to be with, but I must admit I don’t know what happened to us. The strange part is that we are more friends than lovers.
What causes women to lose their sex drive? There are no medical reasons for this. Then they wonder why their husbands have an affair!
I don’t think she would ever have an affair, so I don’t think it’s another man.
I do want a fun and active sex life and I am starting to wonder if maybe I can have this with the right person who can balance both? — Confused Husband
Dear Husband: Not only women lose their sex drive; my own inbox reveals that men lose their drive, too.
You are incorrect when you assert that there are no medical reasons for this. Myriad physical and psychological issues come into play.
The way you portray your marriage — being with your best friend, getting along well and basically living peacefully — makes it sound ideal in many ways. There is a high likelihood that even if you found a new partner, the same sexual dynamic would settle in if you were lucky enough to be together for almost two decades. You are fortunate to have a happy relationship to build upon.
You don’t mention speaking to your wife about this. You also don’t mention things you could do differently to ignite the spark and keep the flame burning.
Before you resort to making assumptions about people having affairs, you should try the universal aphrodisiac: communication. Intimacy starts there.
Dear Amy: I was divorced a year ago after 19 years of marriage. Like most divorces, it was difficult. It is still difficult for many reasons.
Even though I am having a hard time, my family has insisted on continuing a close relationship with him. In fact, my sister and her family are taking a trip with my former husband, his girlfriend and our daughter. Among other things, I feel it is far too soon to be taking my daughter on a trip with his new girlfriend.
My family knows my feelings and knows this is extremely hurtful to me but they see nothing wrong with it. My mother actually said to me, “I don’t see the problem — you’re divorced.”
What am I missing here? — Sad
Dear Sad: What you are missing is a family that is willing to step across the divorce divide and be on your side.
One of the unfortunate aspects of divorce is how it affects all family relationships. Family members sometimes have to establish and maintain some emotional and actual distance from people they are otherwise very fond of.
They want their friendship with your ex to continue unfettered and unchanged.
I assume there are other factors at play, but I agree with you that this is inappropriate.
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