Dear Amy: My sister and I have been relatively close throughout our lives. She is 63, and I am 58. Both of us lost our spouses in the past year.
She continues to grieve, and I have moved on (with therapeutic help). She calls me at least two times a week. We are both retired. She was left well off, and I am struggling but make it.
She has few hobbies, interests or friends and starts her day reading the obituaries. She is bitter and wallows in her grief.
Now she wants me to move in with her. I don’t want to but don’t know how to tell her without creating a lasting rift. I love her, but I don’t like her very much.
Can you help me find the words? — Sister
Dear Sister: No two people grieve the same way. You could help her by reflecting her actions back toward her and offering to be helpful and emotionally supportive, without becoming a crutch.
Speak your own truth, with respect and compassion.
You say, “I know you are going through a very rough patch and I’m so sorry. I think there are things you could try which might help you to feel better. Would you be open to some suggestions?”
Your sister might be afraid to change — or she might simply be unable to pull out of her sadness and grief. I hope you can offer her a positive example, including suggesting therapy. You can respond to the idea of living together by saying, “I don’t want to move in together but we’ll always be close.” You don’t need to explain why.
Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our mid-50s. We have a group of wonderful friends. We get together frequently to play cards and enjoy home-cooked meals.
One of these couples worries me. I’ll call them “Jack and Jill.”
Jack can be a great guy and very good company, but lately we have been forced to witness him making very crude, rude and sexually degrading comments mostly directed toward his wife. She will ask him to stop, and he usually does stop after a while.
Alcohol is not an issue because none of us drinks much.
We are so appalled that we don’t know what to say, especially because other people are present. We are hoping that Jack will read about himself in your column and that this will be a wake-up call for him.
Do you have any other suggestions? — Worried Friends
Dear Worried: Your friend’s behavior is surprising, disturbing and baffling. He is holding you (and everyone else present) hostage to his choices.
And yet you don’t report that anyone other than his wife is asking him to stop.
When someone is being publicly offensive, you can say, “Hey — whoa. I’d appreciate it if you would stop speaking that way. Thank you.”
After this, the person in your group who is closest to this man should speak to him privately to say, “What in the Sam Hill is going on with you?”
The person closest to his wife should also speak with her to make sure she is OK. This man might have a medical or emotional issue causing him to act out. He should be encouraged to get a thorough checkup as soon as possible.
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