Dear Amy: My husband and I have a very strict bath and bedtime schedule that we follow every single night with our 11-month-old son.
When dropping him off at his grandparents’ for a sleep-over recently, we went over his routine with them and explained how important this consistency is for him. They agreed to it.
The next morning we learned that not only did they not follow the routine (he didn’t end up going to bed until two hours after his usual time), but when giving him his bath, my husband’s mom was in the bathtub with him, completely nude.
I am extremely uncomfortable about that. I know in my heart that she would never do anything to hurt her grandson, but I also feel strongly that she crossed a line.
This is not the first time I’ve felt that she has overstepped her boundaries.
In the past when we talked to her about boundaries, she got extremely upset and accused us of not appreciating anything she does for our family.
How should I approach these important issues with her? — Mad Mom
Dear Mad: I believe in the importance of routine for babies and children, but your adherence to this strict schedule is more for you than your son, and you should realize this.
Here’s what you know: Your in-laws will not respect your son’s schedule when he is with them. My view is that time spent with grandparents should be looser than life at home.
Your mother-in-law’s choice to bathe nude with her grandson shows poor judgment, and I agree that this crosses the line (though she may have done this with her children at that age).
When you’ve talked to her about boundaries in the past, she has retaliated by accusing you of being unappreciative. Remove this red herring by expressing your appreciation.
Make sure your in-laws provide a safe environment for your child. Encourage an attitude of open dialogue by asking their opinion (they’ve already raised children — you’re just starting).
You shouldn’t do another overnight until you are more confident in their ability to respect your wishes.
Dear Amy: I am hoping you can clarify proper etiquette for marriage proposals for all the men out there. I was having a conversation recently with a group of young men in their 30s, and there were many misconceptions about marriage proposals.
I’m worried that should these men ever propose, their girlfriends are going to be very disappointed. For example, two of the men thought it was acceptable to propose without a ring! I feel strongly that men should have a ring on hand when proposing; otherwise, it just ruins the moment.
Am I just old-fashioned, or are these men oblivious? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: I don’t think this is really an etiquette question. Proposals are all about the couple embarking on their happy ever after, and there is no one way to do this.
Many couples consider ring shopping together to be part of the ritual of getting engaged.
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