Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s and have been together for three years. I work full time in a restaurant, receive little to no help from my parents and live in a one-bedroom apartment that I struggle to afford. He lives with his parents rent-free and seldom works.
Before you write him off as a deadbeat, he is a talented musician, and he lives at home so that he can spend his time on his creative pursuits.
In truth, though, he practically lives with me, only returning to his parents’ place to eat and work on music while I’m at work.
I have been tolerant of this because I love him and think we make a great partnership — we are in a band together. However, as we get older, I worry: Am I becoming a substitute for his parents? Is he living off of me? Can I afford to support myself and another person? At what point will he admit he needs a day job?
I’ve tried to address these issues, but he always thinks that I’m judging him or trying to pressure him.
He defends himself by claiming that he writes all the songs in our band and that we wouldn’t get as much done if he had to get a job.
I know I can’t make him get a job or move in with me, but how can I make him see my point of view? — Girlfriend in a Conundrum
Dear Girlfriend: Even artists need to work — and working outside of music gives a musician not only money but also material.
A story I read in LA Weekly noted the day jobs of some famous indie rockers. My favorite is Jack White, who was a furniture upholsterer (along with White Stripes bandmate Meg White) while working on his music.
Your boyfriend is defending his choices. You need to decide whether you are willing to support him. Otherwise, cop to judging him and be as clear about your intentions as he is about his own.
And — please — don’t push for him to move in with you.
Dear Amy: My husband’s sister always pushes him into doing things, like attending family functions, through guilt and relentless pushing. He has a job with a difficult schedule and doesn’t know months in advance if he’s available for events and the like — and he will tell her that, but she still pushes him. She is relentless.
When I say something about this to him, he gets angry.
But if I want to plan for the two of us to do something and he doesn’t know what his work schedule will be, if I continue to push, he blows up at me.
I really don’t know why his sister has more sway over what he does than me, his wife. — Annoyed
Dear Annoyed: I feel sorry for this guy. He gives a consistent (and truthful) answer to the two women in his life, and all he gets is more pushing.
If you know your husband can’t plan far in advance because of his work schedule, then your pushing won’t change the outcome — but will remind him of his sister.
You are choosing to be annoyed about something that your husband cannot change — his schedule and his sister’s behavior.
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