When we’re wandering among the primates at a zoo, few of us have thoughts such as, “Do monkeys diet?” or, “Can a monkey do a sit-up?” or, “If that skinny monkey loses any more weight he’s going to look like the singer LeAnn Rimes.”
Mostly, we think about more normal things like, “Frankly, I don’t really care how much the monkeys eat,” or, “I hope that monkey doesn’t throw doo-doo at me again.”
Now, however, scientists are working feverishly on the question of whether reduced-calorie diets allow monkeys to live longer.
This basic question about whether fewer calories mean a longer life is of great interest to humans. Specifically, human Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey. (I’m no scientist, but if I were him I wouldn’t worry too much about the 30-year guarantee on my new roofing shingles, if you know what I mean.)
The point here is that Rafael de Cabo, an experimental gerontologist at the U.S. National Institute on Aging and the lead writer of a recent scientific paper about skinny monkeys and fat monkeys, has come to a startling new discovery.
“One thing that’s becoming clear,” he said, “is that calorie restriction is not a Holy Grail for extending the life span of everything that walks on earth.”
In other words, there is solid evidence that skinny monkeys do not live longer than monkeys of normal weight.
Scientific footnote: I don’t know how you weigh a monkey or get him to remain almost catatonic on a scale, but making him watch C-SPAN wouldn’t hurt. I watched a C-SPAN debate on Earned Income Tax revision proposals a week ago and three moths flew into my mouth.
Anyway, the study of caloric intake and life expectancy in monkeys is of great importance to humans for the obvious reason: monkeys are very similar to us.
The only real difference, scientists now believe, is that monkeys do not call sports radio talk shows day and night to talk about Peyton Manning’s neck.
Back to the experiment, in which two sets of monkeys were fed 30 percent less than what they would usually eat. Their health and life spans, according to story in The Wall Street Journal (motto: “Financial Stories So Complicated That Even We Don’t Have Any Idea What They Mean”), were compared to findings in two sets of monkeys with normal diets (bananas, leaves, flowers, insects, pasta Bolognese with a nice Ruffino chianti, etc.).
The skinny monkeys and regular and fat monkeys had the same life spans. And health benefits were mixed between the sexes.
“Male animals on a restricted diet had significantly lower cholesterol levels,” the story said, “but not the females.”
In a related finding, the male rhesus monkeys on the low-calorie diets enjoyed wearing very skimpy running shorts and no shirts, and would continue running in place while waiting at traffic lights while nervously looking at their chronograph wristwatches — seemingly unaware of the snickering going on around them.
The findings, detailed in the journal Nature — this month’s cover photo shows Lance Armstrong removing his bicycle helmet to show off his new antlers — slightly contradicted a previous study at the University of Wisconsin that concluded that diet might affect life expectancy.
The findings of that Wisconsin study were published under the headline “Cheese, Bratwurst and Beer: The Fountain of Youth?”
The study on rhesus monkeys, which are genetically closer to humans than other animals, also go against findings in studies of other animals.
From The Wall Street Journal: “Decades of experiments have shown that … calorie restriction increases longevity by 30% to 40% in … mice and rats.”
Which is why you often see really old thin people in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives.
Finally, the new study also made one additional, actual finding that surprised scientists: Males who eat very small amounts of food, even health food, are more likely to develop low testosterone levels.
Which might explain those tiny running shorts.
Rich Tosches, a former Denver Post staff writer, also writes for the Colorado Springs Independent.
