“Hello, I’m Chris Harrison, and welcome back to proudly and quite inexplicably one of the most-watched shows on television. Every season, contestants compete for the heart of our bachelor. And you’ve all been with us on this journey all January, as these contestants vied for the love and adoration of — John Elway!
“Tonight, John will make the anticipated decision — who will he choose as the lucky man to coach his Denver Broncos? We’ll find out here, in the rose ceremony — though John, with you, perhaps it should be the Rose Bowl ceremony, am I right?”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Chris …”
“OK, John, let’s take one final look at the contestants. We’ve already lost former Buffalo Bills coach Doug Marrone and Detroit Lions defensive coordinator Teryl Austin. That was one of our more shocking episodes, because we were all looking forward to your potential dinner with Austin at your Cherry Creek restaurant, surrounded by cougars while drinking merlot and trying to say Ndamukong five times fast.
“Remaining, we have Baltimore Ravens offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak, Cincinnati Bengals secondary coach Vance Joseph and Adam Gase, ‘The Peyton Whisperer,’ though you wish he could have whispered to Peyton to run for that easy first down, am I right?”
“I mean …”
“John, do you have any words to the suitors for whom you hope to have a devoted and lasting relationship?”
“‘Yes. I’d like to start with a thank you to John Elway. I mean, to John Fox, for making this journey possible. Through these interviews, I’ve gotten to intimately know each coaching candidate. No matter what happens, you’ll all have a special spot in my heart.”
(Chilling orchestra music begins in the background.)
“Vance …”
(Camera cuts to Joseph, nervously biting his lower lip.)
“I have to be honest. I had never even heard of you. Honestly, at first I thought we were bringing in my old wide receiver, Vance Johnson. But now? Man, I feel like a proud uncle.
“Adam …”
(Camera cuts to Gase, rubbing his shivering shoulders.)
“You are ahead of the curve, an outside- the-box thinker who turns Thomases into Pro Bowlers, brings the ‘Deion-cocky’ out of Emmanuel Sanders and, of course, lives up to your nickname as ‘Goose’ as Peyton Manning’s wing man. I’m still not sure why you guys were heaving deep, wobbly passes against the Colts — and you kept on doing it — but I recognize your talents, and you could someday be a star coach in this league.”
“So, John,” Harrison interjects, “will you be — ?”
“That’s just a terrible pun. Anyway, finally, Gary …”
(Camera cuts to Kubiak, whose eyes begin to water.)
“Many smart football people wonder if your offense is suited for Manning, since it thrives on mobility. Others wonder if you’re truly aching for a championship, like I am, or if you’re content with being a coordinator on a perennially good team. But Gary — ‘Koobs’ — you know me better than I know myself. We’ve gone through it all together. You’ve been a head coach in this league, with some forgotten success, and you understand what it takes to grow players into winners.”
(Elway turns his head, takes a deep breath. Camera cuts to Joseph, who fans his own face with his hand. Intense orchestra music hits crescendo.)
“You understand what it means to be a Bronco, what it means to work for Mr. Pat Bowlen. You understand that we have one more year not to blow it with Peyton — and then, numerous years to try innovative approaches to winning.”
(Elway reaches for the lone rose from Harrison’s hand, looks at the flower.)
“This one’s for Gary!
“Gary Kubiak, will you accept this rose?”
Benjamin Hochman: bhochman@denverpost.com or
