Dear Neil: I had a relationship with a lovely, intelligent woman with whom I was amazingly compatible. As the relationship continued to get better and better, I developed more and more reasons why this would not work. I would let a month go by staying distant and aloof, and then call to invite her over for dinner. As always, I was strongly fascinated yet very fearful.
The relationship became intimate. That was when I knew I needed to get her to stop liking me or I wouldn’t be able to handle it. The day came where she initiated a conversation about the future—and I panicked and ran away. Eight months went by with no contact. Suddenly my true feelings for her came down on me like a tidal wave, so I reached out to her. But she had moved on, and I am heartbroken, regretful and feel an all-consuming loss.
This Lesson Was Expensive
Dear Neil: I am 60 years old. I lost my husband after 30 years of marriage. I had to find my own identity without him. I fear giving so much of myself away again because I don’t want to experience that kind of loss again. However, not long after his death, I reconnected with my high school sweetheart, and I felt like I had met my true soul mate. But then I began to have major fears and doubts about his financial instability, his many relationships in the past and his divorce. As much as I was drawn to him, I was equally pulling away. It is now 8 years later. I have broken up with him 5 times, and I still cannot commit. I wish I could devote myself without all this doubt, fear and hesitation, but my fear will not leave me.
Too Afraid to Act
Dear Lesson and Too Afraid: In e-mail after e-mail, this issue appears to never end. Running away from someone you want appears to be a fairly large dilemma for many people. Why would anyone behave in ways which by all appearances is so completely self-sabotaging — because it prevents you from being contented and having the loving relationship you want?
This is about the fear of getting close. I might fear a close relationship with you because I’m afraid you’ll leave me (or die on me). I may not feel I’m good enough for you or worthy of your love — or I simply may feel unlovable. So I run away or push you away, because I figure it’s better to be safe than rejected, abandoned or discovered to be deficient and damaged.
How do I change this? By confronting those truths — and by resolving to address my fears of abandonment, my feelings of inadequacy (or of feeling unlovable), and my anxieties about being a failure at love or of putting roadblocks in the way with people I want and who want me. It will be extremely helpful to find a competent psychotherapist or another person who can guide you, challenge you and push you to do what is hard — instead of what is easy.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of “Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Keeping the Flame Alive.” 303-758-8777, or . He can’t answer individual queries.
