As we dive into 2016, I’m very hopeful about the direction of our nation. Maybe that’s because 2015 was so horrendous. Or maybe I’m just an optimistic guy. While still trying to figure it out, here are a few not entirely serious predictions for the coming year:
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Coloradans choose to allow beer and wine sales in supermarkets while voting down anti-fracking measures because we suspect that the word “private” in the phrase “private property” is supposed to mean something. Tears are shed in Boulder and Aspen, but the world does not end.
• The Colorado election for U.S. Senate, featuring a not-very-well-known Republican against incumbent Sen. Michael “Who?” Bennet, goes to a recount following massive spending by the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee to defend its most vulnerable member. The final result gives Colorado two Republican senators for the first time in more than a decade. We learn that Bennet is, in fact, a hologram controlled by Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y.
• Donald Trump drops out of the presidential race and says that his whole campaign was a bet with fellow Manhattan billionaire liberal Michael Bloomberg about whether Trump could really fool gullible Republicans into thinking he had suddenly become a conservative and that a man who traffics in exaggerations and insults, and learns about national security issues from “the shows,” could be a good standard-bearer for the GOP. Former Trump supporters show remarkably little embarrassment.
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Marco Rubio defeats Hillary Clinton in the November election after Clinton is unable to turn her vaunted “experience” into a positive while Rubio effectively reminds voters that Clinton is, to a degree, remarkable even for a politician, a failure and a fibber. Clinton becomes an adjunct professor of political science at Columbia University, her first course being Collecting Frequent Flier Miles as a Public Servant.
• The Denver Broncos defeat the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship (after Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is ejected in what becomes known as Shoelacegate) but lose the Super Bowl to the Arizona Cardinals, 34-23.
• Peyton Manning announces his retirement while the Broncos sign quarterback Brock Osweiler to a four-year, $33 million contract. Manning founds Sore Feet Arch Supports and hires “Papa John” Schnatter to be his national spokesman: “We pizza guys are on our feet all day. From the CEO to the guy putting on the pepperoni, we can’t afford to go on restaurant injured reserve!”
• The Colorado Rockies go .500 for the first time since 2010, but nobody notices. After a profanity-laced tirade in French upon being served yet another undercooked duck … l’orange, Colorado Avalanche coach Patrick Roy moves back to his hometown of Quebec City. The team goes with him and becomes the Quebec Quadrilaterals, surely the squarest name in sports.
I wish you all a happy, healthy and successful 2016.
Kaminsky is host of “The Ross Kaminsky Show” weekday mornings on 630 KHOW.
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