I’m pretty sure Independence Day is my dog’s least favorite holiday.
Katie is a long-haired Miniature Dachshund who is about to turn 15. Math was never my strongest subject, but I believe in “dog years,” she is close to 200? Letap leave that calculation to the veterinarians.
Itap probably not the best idea to anthropomorphize our pets, and I’ll admit that line was essentially crossed when she was given the name Katie. But I’ve been around her long enough to know when she’s afraid.
As a general rule, she’s a fearless little hound. When she sees a dog literally 10 times her size, she charges toward it. Of course she’s never managed to get to the gigantic (compared to her) animals she’s raged after, which is one of the reasons she’s about to celebrate her (what I think might be?) canine bicentennial. One thing, however, terrifies her.
Itap the sounds of personal fireworks, firecrackers and other booming seasonal noise pollutants that reduce Katie to a quivering, whimpering ball of fuzz. You’re probably thinking, “Hey! Weiner dogs always emit pathos. Just look at their faces!” But like I said, I know when she’s terrified, and I despise the idea that she should shake in fear so some dude down the block can prove through horrible noise that he cares as much about the U.S.A. as Lee Greenwood, who emits a different kind of horrible noise.
Look, I’m as patriotic as the next Coloradan, and if you haven’t heard, thatap awfully patriotic. WalletHub.com just declared our state to be the fourth most patriotic, and that means we’re in the upper 8 percent in contrast to the rest of the union. Hey, I guess I can do math! And community fireworks celebrations are just fine by me — though I would point out that we have PlayStation and the internet now, so there are numerous thrilling alternatives to old-timey displays of pyrotechnics. In the 19th century, fireworks were likely the ultimate show of visual excitement. But you know what else was “hip” and “cool” back then? Losing multiple fingers while playing with explosives. Times change, and having five digits on each hand is necessary if we’re going to continue to evolve, people. Please think about that the next time you’re lighting up a Whistling Moon Traveler (which admittedly sounds kind of exciting, but there’s no way it lives up to its name.)
Back to little Katie: what frightens her the most are the random neighborhood explosions that begin around dusk this time of year, and kaboom into the early morning hours, when I have to get up, by the way, to play those Adele records you like so much. I’ve tried the various vet-recommended methods to calm her, but nothing has been successful. So I’d like to humbly offer this suggestion: before you set your block ablaze this weekend with the heart-stopping blasts and wheezes of Black Cat products, think about how it might affect your neighbor’s dog. Maybe in return they’ll do you a solid the next time they’re in your front yard and refrain from leaving behind their own brand of offensiveness.
I’m not making any promises here. But I do appreciate your taking the time to read this. And I’m pretty sure Katie does, too.
Bret Saunders (bretsaunders@kbco.com) can be heard from 6 to 11 a.m. weekday mornings at KBCO 97.3 FM. Follow him on Twitter:
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