Dear Eric: I’m a 70-year-old husband in relatively good health married to a wonderful 64-year-old wife, mother and grandmother to our grandchildren.
We just celebrated more than four decades together. She is my forever soulmate and I’m confident I’ll always love her.
But it’s been five years since we’ve had sex. I simply have lost my desire and become unattracted.
We have both had issues with our weight and we both have lost our desires to make love. I admit I’ve had dreams of women I’ve known in the past who I still desire, as maybe she does as well. We’re still happily married but mutually forgo sex. What do you think we should do and is our relationship normal?
— Loving But No Love
Dear Loving: First, a clarification: there is no normal in relationships, per se. There are aspects of relationships that can be abnormal or unhealthy. But there is no standard relationship to which you should be comparing yourselves, particularly when it comes to sex.
Every couple changes throughout their time together; this extends to the ways that you communicate, the things you love and like about each other, and how you connect physically. At the same time, your minds and bodies are changing. For some couples — I daresay many — those factors impact the frequency and scope of their intimacy.
Because itap something that you’ve expressed anxiety about, it will be helpful for you and your wife to see a couples therapist or a sex therapist. Intimate connection is built on good communication, so even if you’re not seeking to restart your sex life, it will be healthier for both of you to be able to talk about what you’re feeling and what you want in a neutral environment.
Dear Eric: A friend I’ve known since grade school lost her son last year. She has not told anyone in our group. I found out from a neighbor who received a letter addressed to my friend. Before she gave the letter to my friend, she looked up the sender. The information in the letter explained her son (age 41) was found dead on the sidewalk in a city nearby. He overdosed.
My friend is behaving strangely. She spent several nights in her car in a supermarket parking lot. (She has a home.) She is at home for several days at a time. She did not answer when I asked her why she didn’t go to work.
She got quiet when I asked about her son. Other friends and I know she is suffering. We understand she may be embarrassed about her son passing away on the sidewalk. We want to help her, but we don’t know how to let her know we know what happened to her son. Do we just come out and tell her we know?
She may get mad at the neighbor for telling me about the letter. Or do we wait until she is ready to tell us?
— Friend’s Secret
Dear Secret: The neighbor may have had good intentions, but she did your friend, and you, an awful disservice by sharing news that wasn’t hers to share. This puts you in a difficult position, but even worse, it robs your friend of the privacy she so clearly desires right now.
Grief is complex and, often, confusing. Your friend has the right to navigate this seismic shift in her life and her emotional landscape the way she wants.
However, that doesn’t mean you should leave her alone. She’s clearly in crisis. So, talk to her about what you’re observing; be clear, kind and frank. “I think that you’re in pain and I’m concerned that you may be in danger. I don’t want to pry, but I care about you and I want to help.” Give specific examples, like the incident in the parking lot.
Ask if she is also concerned about some of her behaviors. Ask if you can help support her by accompanying her to see a doctor, a therapist or a trusted faith leader if she’s a part of a congregation. Right now, she needs your presence. She needs to know someone is paying attention. There will be time later for her to tell you the root cause of her behavior. The first priority is keeping her safe.
Dear Eric: A friend’s son and his girlfriend are having a baby. They have good jobs and they’re purchasing a house together. They have no marriage plans. They are planning a baby shower. If marriage comes down the road, is it crass to then plan a big wedding and expect more gifts?
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: Nope. They’re different celebrations for different occasions. You’re not obligated to give another gift if you don’t want to, but itap not crass to want to welcome a baby and recognize a union.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
