Dear Eric: A few years ago, my 24-year-old child came out as nonbinary and chose a new name, “Avery.” While the adjustment hasn’t always been easy, most of our immediate family now use Avery’s new name and pronouns. The exception is my husband’s parents, especially my father-in-law, who does not accept Avery’s identity and has criticized them about it in phone calls and texts. As a result, they are now estranged.
Avery will turn 25 in a few weeks, and apparently my father-in-law has a tradition of giving each grandchild $10,000 on that birthday. My husband only learned about this yesterday, when his father called to discuss it. He wants the gift to be a surprise and asked us not to tell Avery ahead of time. During the same conversation, however, he insisted that he will never accept Avery’s identity, though he says he hopes to repair the relationship.
The timing is difficult because Avery wants to return to college this fall to finish their degree. I’ve already told them I can help with tuition but not living expenses, so this money would make a real difference.
My husband, who has reluctantly accepted Avery’s identity but still believes it may be a “phase,” thinks Avery should simply accept the money and move on. I plan to support whatever Avery decides, but I also wish there were some way to mend the relationship with their grandparents without asking Avery to ignore the hurt they’ve experienced.
Should I encourage Avery to accept the gift as a loving gesture, despite the rejection that accompanies it? Or would doing so only deepen the pain and confusion for everyone involved?
— Torn Between Peace and Principle
Dear Torn: It seems unlikely that, given Avery’s grandfather’s position, this money wouldn’t come with some strings, at least emotionally. So, itap best that Avery goes into this arrangement clear-eyed. That isn’t to say that they have to accept or agree to any strings. If their grandfather wants to repair the relationship, a check isn’t going to be the thing to do it.
Since they’re estranged, it would be helpful to find out what your father-in-law plans to do in order to get Avery this money. If he, for instance, wants to show up unannounced, it would be helpful to encourage him to rethink it or to warn Avery. But Avery is also an adult and should be trusted to navigate complex family dynamics on their own. If they’re looking for advice, you can tell them that in this case, accepting the money doesn’t seem to require denying anything about themselves and, as you noted, will help them to continue to pursue their dreams.
Dear Eric: I have a question about dividing belongings after a loved one dies. My mother is over 90 and failing. She will not likely live long. She has a house full of things that have huge sentimental value to my siblings.
I have seven brothers and sisters that have varying relationships to my mom and I from estranged to very close.
As the executor, I am very concerned about how it will go after she passes. She has chosen one of her possessions to go to every child and grandchild, but this only puts a small dent in what she has. The emotions will be quite high.
Suggestions on how to handle this? Selling everything and splitting the money does not seem like the right thing to do.
— Concerned Daughter
Dear Daughter: I’m sorry about your mother’s failing health. I’m sure that negotiating her care, your feelings and the questions around the estate is complicated and difficult. If your mother is willing, ask her to invite each child to come to the house before she passes, go through the sentimental items, and make a list of what they’d like. I’ve seen cases in which family members will go through a home and put stickers on things to “claim” them.
This allows your siblings, and you, the added benefit of connecting with your mom about these items before she’s gone. This also allows you to preview any items that might be contentious. If two siblings want the same thing, you can then tell them and ask them to work it out between each other in advance. If they can’t come to an agreement, perhaps you do a simple drawing to determine who takes it.
Itap best that you communicate your plan and the reasoning behind it with everyone clearly. You may even want to send the list out to everyone in advance, so there’s less possibility for confusion and recrimination. Emotions may still cause people to pull you into conflicts, but by front-loading your desire for fairness (and removing yourself from being the final word), you can add some peace and reason to a complex family dynamic.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
