Q: Dear Scott,
I am a 39-year-old lady and everyone around me seems to be getting married and owning a home! I have never made this my dream, but now I suddenly feel like perhaps I should have.
I even know a lovely gay couple who have recently “married” and moved in together. I only reference this because as a girl with gay friends growing up, I always knew that they would enjoy single-dom with me into our twilight disco years. I do feel that gay people should be able to officially “get married” same as the heteros, but this is a subject for a different time.
For now, let’s get back to me.
As anyone writing in to this column will tell you, I’m an attractive catch with a great job. I’m afraid I have enjoyed being single so much that I didn’t think about making a serious change.
Now, I do have a boyfriend of one year and he’s fine, although I have some secret doubts if I want to spend the rest of my life in his life. (I’m more city mouse and he’s more country mouse.)
He is a good-hearted man who would throw himself in the mud just to protect my Manolos. He’s already made his great life revolving around things he enjoys. It’s fine for him but for me it is not as ambitious as I would like it to be.
Do you think I should make some deliberate plan to get married to a suitable guy, or work on changing this one or start collecting cats and become a seamstress to make them little outfits?
Please advise!
Sign me:
– Desperate and perhaps serious
SCOTT: Dear Desperate,
Are you really bold enough to traipse though the mud in a pair of Manolos? Then I have a sneaky suspicion you’re not one to settle for mediocrity; neither in the shoe department nor the love department.
And when you say your boyfriend is “fine,” it doesn’t seem like that’s good enough for you because 98.7% of people reading this think you want more than that.
You’re an attractive young woman with a great job, so there’s really no need to feel nailed down with “fine.” If your heart’s not in it, it’s not in it.
You may be able to fake some things, but not love — at least not in the long run.
And changing him? Don’t even try it! Never try to change a guy because, well it just won’t work.
Influence, yes. Change, no.
So what does all this mean?
You have a decision to make, my desperate friend. “Fine” is fine, but you need to determine if that’s enough for you.
Also, don’t compare yourself to others by putting a specific number on when you should have been settled down and married. It’ll happen for you when it’s meant to happen.
Footnote: you’re only 39, so hold off on collecting the cats. I know — making those cute little outfits does sound tempting, but save that for when you’re 99.