Q: I’ve been married for 10 years and have three children. My husband is Hispanic and celoso. I love him, and he’s the father of my youngest child, but I’m not “in love” with him. He has accused me of having an affair, and he’s also selfish – it’s his way or no way!
He hangs out at cantinas with single friends from Mexico and recently told me that he needs time away and wants to be single. I told him to go ahead, but I won’t wait for him to return. He was never physically abusive until a couple of months ago, when he got drunk and ripped a telephone out of the wall.
I want to leave him, but I have concerns. Our house is under both names; one vehicle is under his name, and the other is under both our names. I know that he would have to provide child support. Can you tell me whether legal separation or divorce is the better option?
Catherine: It sounds as if both of you are fed up with each other, and reconciliation is no longer an option. Neither one of you is feeling loved, so no proactive attempts are being made to restore the affection you once shared.
Counseling could provide a time for both of you to talk about what you desire for the relationship and see where both of you are at fault for its state.
But if you have already thrown in the towel, entonces no hay remedio. Divorce can be extremely messy for the entire family, and you need to be prepared for both headaches and heartaches. You’ll need a lawyer to help sort out your home, cars and finances, and a protracted custody battle has the potential to scar you and your kids emotionally.
Danny: Reconciliation?! This guy sounds like an insecure, paranoid, irresponsible, selfish and violent drunk. Your question shouldn’t be, “Which is better, separation or divorce?” but “Where can I get a great attorney while I separate and file for divorce?”
You don’t love him, and he wants to be single. So help him become single by divorcing him. In the process, you will be removing your children and yourself from potential harm. Your assets will have to be handled legally, so get in front of a divorce attorney ASAP and do not be afraid to file a police report for any outbursts. Be strong and gather support from family and friends.
Lily: Look online for organizations that can walk you through this long and painful ordeal. Some churches have outreach programs for families experiencing divorce. They approach the issue from several aspects: financial, emotional, psychological and spiritual.
Rebuilding can take time, money and effort beyond any stretch of your imagination. But always remember that the well-being of you and your family is at stake. Your family deserves stability, love and a nurturing environment that this man doesn’t seem able to provide.
I do not know of any particular program, but I am sure our readers will lend a helping hand and educate us. We will pass along any information that we get. Until then, stay safe.
Glossary
celoso: jealous
cantinas: bars
entonces no hay remedio: then there is no solution
We want your questions! Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to onsejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202.
