Millions around the world were shocked to learn of the theft of an authentic “Wizard of Oz” pair of ruby slippers from a Judy Garland museum in Minnesota over the weekend. As they say in the tundra film classic “Fargo,” I’d be very surprised if our suspect was from Brainerd. Authorities are investigating the stomach-churning theft, and as they sift through the clues we’re hoping they got some e-mail tips that read like these:
Dorothy: I have the slippers. Now give me back my reputation.
Signed, Michael Jackson
Ms. Garland: I have the slippers. Need them for my new show. I left the ankle bracelet.
Regrets only, Martha Stewart
Dorothy: Pedro offers you his protection.
Napoleon Dynamite
Dorothy: I have never touched your slippers. I have never seen your slippers.
Signed, Rafael Palmeiro
Dorothy: We sincerely believe anyone involved with stealing the slippers should be taken out – if you know what I mean.
Yours in prayer, Pat Robertson
Yo, Judy G. I got your back.
Signed, Suge Knight
OUT OF OFFICE REPLY: Your e-mail is important to us. We are currently on vacation. If this is an urgent matter regarding missing footwear, please contact the FBI.
Good luck, The George W. Bush White House
Dorothy: I have the slippers in my trailer. I’d be happy to return them. But what with the witches and all, I think it’s time you took control of your own life – could we discuss Scientology over a drug-free lunch?
Tom Cruise
