Not only do the terms “aft” and “starboard” come rolling off the tongue as natural as “Bingo!” once one has survived a first cruise, but the grasp of other important sailing-related information is surprisingly quick. Here are a few things to consider:
Choose your cruise carefully. What do you want to get out of your cruise? There are so many out there now that themes have emerged, such as golf, Irish step dancing, quilting, food and wine, fitness, archaeology, kids, singles. You name it, there’s a cruise for it.
If buying cheap silver and diamonds is your thing, the Western Caribbean is perfect. A small ship means you’re going to see the same people a lot, but a bigger ship means longer lines for activities.
Cruise alone only if you really love to be alone. And that means really, really, like to be alone and watch other people having a good time surrounded by friends and family. You’ll spend a lot of time alone while everyone else is wandering around all romantic or chatting, or you’ll wind up fending off a lot of personal questions about why you’re alone. For instance, I started thinking up alternate personaes because someone actually asked me if I was cruising alone because I had just gotten divorced.
Your credit card will take a big hit. When you board, hand over the credit card with the really huge limit on it, because that’s the one everything goes on, including all your drink purchases (pricey at $1.25 per soda and $6.50 and up for alcohol, plus gratuities), and anything you buy in a ship gift shop, spa treatments, bingo or at the astonishing number of art auctions. Once your credit card information is taken before you board, that’s it; everything you buy on the ship is charged to that. You can’t change it, even if, say, you want to get a haircut but don’t want to charge it to your company credit card. Trust me on this. You can argue with every perky Love Boat director they have, and no one cares.
Think about your flight arrangements before and after. For example, if you fly Frontier from Denver to Fort Lauderdale, take a late flight back and sightsee, or take a layover day and fly back on Sunday. Otherwise, you will sit on the floor in the Fort Lauderdale airport, because Frontier does not man its counter until midday, and you can’t go to the concourse. Ask your travel agent how best to work the flights around the cruise.
Take a book, because you will sit. Great cruise reading: “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again,” by David Foster Wallace, a collection of essays, the funniest of which is the title one about, you guessed it, going on a cruise. Best line: “I have smelled what suntan lotion smells like spread over 21,000 pounds of hot flesh.”
Also “Skinny Dip,” by Carl Hiaasen, a hilarious piece of satirical crime fiction about a man who tries to kill his wife by throwing her from a luxury cruise liner. And for the kids, my younger daughter swears by “The Case of the Mystery Cruise (The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley, No. 2),” by Carol Thompson.
– Kyle Wagner
