Dear Amy: I come from a big family, and we all come together every Christmas Eve.
I plan on holding the event at my new house this year, but there is a problem.
My brother’s teenage daughter has been having drug problems for the past couple of years and has now reverted to stealing money, jewelry and medication from her parents.
She was recently caught stealing cash and winning lottery tickets from my sister’s house, has run up her mother’s credit card at the mall and has stolen checks totaling more than $1,000.
I have jewelry, medications and checkbooks in the upstairs of my house. There will also be numerous purses belonging to my guests around the house.
Is there a way to put it across to her parents that she is not invited to the celebration, without being rude?
– Confused in Massachusetts
Dear Confused: This isn’t a question of rudeness. You need to acknowledge your niece’s drug addiction, which apparently is out of control. You shouldn’t place her in a situation where she will have access to medications, cash or anything else that she might be tempted to steal.
I called Jeff VanVonderen, an “interventionist,” whose work is featured on the A&E television show “Intervention.” VanVonderen works with families at the front line of addiction and suggests that people facing this situation should ask themselves this question: “What other person in that condition on the planet would you allow in your house?” VanVonderen continues, “I’m guessing you wouldn’t allow a friend, neighbor or stranger in this condition into your house.
“Don’t give your niece a license to be less safe and less dependable than you would trust a stranger to be,” he says. “If you really want to show your solidarity as a family, give her an intervention as a Christmas present, not your jewelry, cash or your medication.”
Your niece should stay home this year.
…
Dear Amy: A while back, you ran a letter from a man who was uncomfortable when confronted by a father and his young daughter using the men’s toilet.
I am the father of two girls under age 5 and am routinely in this situation. Like the father in the letter, I take them into the men’s room and, after shepherding them into a stall to “go potty,” I have them wash their hands at the sink.
My guess is that the real issue here is not about any potential harm to young girls using the men’s room but about the sensibilities of men who are not comfortable urinating in the presence of young girls.
That is perfectly understandable – I used to be sensitive about this before having children of my own. But I can tell you with almost 100 percent certainty that, at such times, my daughter’s focus is on: (a) pressing the soap dispenser multiple times, by herself, (b) turning on the water, multiple times, by herself, or using the hand dryer.
Since my daughters have a younger brother, they are well aware of the differences between male and female anatomies. There is nothing salacious – it is simply a difference to be observed.
Seeing a man standing at the urinal with his back to them is little different than seeing one of their siblings using the toilet.
While I can understand the embarrassment of the men who enter what they think is solely a “men’s room” only to find a young girl at the sink, my guess is that they can rest assured that the young girls aren’t paying them much attention.
– Mid-Atlantic Dad
Dear Dad: I responded to the original letter by explaining that with so many dads taking care of their kids these days (yeah!), potty breaks are inevitable and that men should simply wait outside for kids to finish, if they can. However, I think that you are absolutely correct – and clearly an experienced and understanding dad.
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