Dear Amy: We have a dear friend whose 19-year-old nephew died. Because we had an unbreakable doctor’s appointment for my disabled son, we couldn’t go to the funeral.
We didn’t send an arrangement to the funeral home, and haven’t yet sent out a card to his family. We will do that, but for our friend, we want to do something less traditional and outside of the regular “I can’t imagine how you feel” sentiment.
– Want to Do Something Nice
Dear Want: I understand your basic impulse. Unfortunately, I can’t suggest anything innovative guaranteed to move her.
That’s because she already is moved. This isn’t about you or your ability to be amazing. Your friend’s grief is about her. I’m going to suggest you do something so old-fashioned that it’s almost new again.
It involves a casserole, a bottle of wine and you. Take dinner to your friend. Let her tell you about the funeral and about how her family is doing. Listen to her as she remembers her nephew. Be with her.
People say, “I can’t imagine how you feel,” because we can only imagine how someone else feels in a time of sorrow. It’s OK not to completely understand someone else, as long as you are there to bear witness.
…
Dear Amy: I recently started a new job. It is a good company with good people. Everyone has worked here for years, except for another new hire and myself.
We are part of an administrative pool, and one of our jobs is to turn on the dishwasher each night for all the office mugs, water glasses, plates, etc. We unload the dishwasher each morning and put the dishes away.
We have one co-worker, a nice lady who has been with the company for many years. She apparently uses a very good lipstick, because the dishwasher does not take it off the glasses and mugs. In fact, the dishwasher bakes the lipstick on so that it must be removed with a chisel and hammer. (Well, OK, a scrubby and soap does it.) No one else in the company, except for me and the other new administrative person, seems to notice that every glass and cup (that we haven’t scrubbed) has baked-on lipstick blots around the rim. (As all of the blots are the same color, we are pretty certain we know to whom the lipstick belongs.) We think that if the lipstick were wiped off the glasses before they were baked in the dishwasher, it wouldn’t be difficult to remove. We also think that it would be easiest for the lady responsible for the blots to wipe the glasses and cups before she puts them into the dishwasher. We can’t think of a nice way to approach the subject.
– Kimberly
Dear Kimberly: Because cleaning the cups and glasses is one of your duties, and because the lipstick causes you twice as many problems after it is baked on, shouldn’t you just check the glassware before starting the dishwasher at night and wipe off the lipstick then? Even if you asked your colleague to wipe her lipstick off the office glassware, there’s some likelihood that she would forget.
It would be a good idea to take a scrubby to the whole collection of cups and glasses to get them all in as pristine a condition as possible – or perhaps it’s time to ask your office manager to buy new ones.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
