Santa Claus bolts the North Pole late Saturday night, and he won’t be checking his list to see who in college football has been naughty and nice. I’m giving him my list. He’ll like it. He won’t have to stop in Knoxville, Tenn., and he’ll have some good Cajun food in Louisiana. And Santa? Don’t take a break at the Motor City Bowl in Detroit on Monday. The North Pole will be warmer.
So as you fans deck your halls, below are my Christmas gifts to the college football world.
New CU coach Dan Hawkins: A dictionary. So he can spell D-E-F-E-N-S-E. Standing 55th in the country may cut it in the WAC, but not in the Big 12.
Tulane: A new on-campus stadium. After playing 11 games in 11 cities and handling it with more class than anyone thought possible for college kids, they should get a home of their own. No one deserves it more.
LSU Tigers: Truckloads of presents. Considering how many truckloads of supplies they emptied for Hurricane Katrina victims, they deserve a little more than a bowl game in Atlanta.
Mike Hankwitz: A prayer. Your head coach has been fired, QB Joel Klatt is probably out, Clemson QB Charlie Whitehurst is healthy and playing his last game for maybe the hottest team in the ACC, and Clemson fans will paint Orlando purple and orange. If Hankwitz pulls this off, a federal mandate should require he gets the first BCS head coaching job that opens.
Zac Taylor: An offensive line. He was sacked 33 times last year, and only four teams averaged fewer than Nebraska’s 2.6 yards a rush. The return of the Cornhuskers starts up front.
Mark Mangino: A salad. He has proved he can coach. Let’s all hope a promising career at Kansas doesn’t end because of health issues.
Temple: Mike Veeck. Minor- league baseball’s promoter extraordinaire might help Owls’ attendance average of 12,735. Maybe he could resurrect Mime Night. Oops! Temple already did that. Or was that its defense?
Charlie Weis: Sainthood. He fulfilled a promise to a dying child. He walked into USC’s locker room to congratulate the Trojans after a bitter loss. Weis doesn’t belong in South Bend. He belongs in the Vatican.
Nike: Visit from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” cast. Even those guys would think Oregon’s all-yellow uniforms are too much. Take this from an alum: Please, no more Fighting Hi-liters.
Calvin Johnson: A buzzer-beating, acrobatic, game-winning TD catch against Utah. Outside of Reggie Bush, no player in the country is more exciting than the George Tech wide receiver.
Bobby Bowden: Lunch with Joe Paterno. Over bagels in Miami Beach, Paterno can tell Bowden how he demoted his son, Jay, from offensive coordinator and hired veteran Galen Hall. One year later, Penn State goes 10-1. Florida State has lost 19 games in five years with Jeff Bowden as offensive coordinator.
Bret Culbertson: Lunch with Oregon State’s Alexis Serna. Culbertson missed field goals that could have given Iowa State the North Division title the past two years; Serna missed three extra points in the opener at LSU last year. Then he went on to win this year’s Lou Groza Award.
Adrian Peterson: A big Holiday Bowl victory against Oregon. It will set up a whale of 2006 Heisman race with Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn.
Charlie Strong: A head coaching offer. Sorry, Charlie. Colorado should have at least called. Be patient. Your defense kept Florida afloat this year.
Colorado State: New facilities. With Colorado on its way to a new practice bubble, CSU is getting left in the dust.
Reggie Bush: An insurance policy. Not for his senior season next year. For next season if the Houston Texans draft him.
Phil Fulmer: A crane. He needs one to get up from the biggest pratfall college football has seen in years. From a preseason No. 3 ranking to 5-6, Tennessee isn’t deserving of a lump of coal.
Dennis Franchione: An ice pack. He’ll need it for next year’s hot seat. Maybe Texas A&M’s coach can borrow it from Missouri’s Gary Pinkel. It worked for him.
Bowl Championship Series: A big check signed “FOX SPORTS.” Only money will make college presidents change the idiotic BCS system.
College football fans: See above.
Gary Barnett: Nothing. He got $3 million. He can buy what he wants.
John Henderson can be reached at 303-820-1299 or jhenderson@denverpost.com.
