Q: Hi Scott,
I’ve been struggling with my love life for months now, and I’m not getting anywhere trying to figure it out on my own. I thought maybe you could help.
I am a recently-divorced mother of a 5-year-old. I’ve been dating a great guy for several months now, but I have a vague sense that he’s not the one.
My problem is that I know I don’t want to find “the one” right now, so is he really not what I’m looking for, or just not what I’m ready for?
I want to take things slow, enjoy being single, figure out my post-married life, focus on my new career and still make time for my daughter. It’s been a year of upheavals, to put it mildly.
I also find myself thinking fondly of the guy I was seeing before I met my current boyfriend; I broke things off when I wanted to concentrate on the relationship I’m in now, but I find myself wondering if I did the right thing.
Both men have qualities I find attractive, and both profess to love me, but so did my ex-husband, and that didn’t work out!
How could the two men I’ve dated since my marriage ended both be so certain about their feelings for me? Something seems fishy.
How can I decide how much weight to give the things I don’t “love” about my boyfriend (his kissing technique is one) and how long is it OK for me to take to be sure about my feelings, one way or the other?
And, most important, how will I KNOW? I don’t want to be second-guessing myself forever!
SCOTT: What’s fishy to me is how after a recent divorce and eerily almost against your will, you’ve managed to become seriously involved with not one but two men.
What happened to concentrating on your career and your daughter and going slow with relationships? Remember that?
Your current boyfriend isn’t the one because you won’t let him be the one. How could he know what you want, when you don’t even know?
Make sure he knows you don’t want anything serious right now so you don’t waste his time.
OK, so going forward: you’re not going to give your boyfriend false hope; and don’t send mixed messages to the other guy nor to your ex-husband. In fact, you should put your love life on hold completely, and invest more time in your 5-year-old and your career like you said you were going to do.
The love thing will fall into place later only after you figure out what you really want.
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