They fell in love and lived happily ever after. Really?
That plot line might work for a movie on the Oxygen channel, but the reality is most Americans don’t have one love whom they cherish for the rest of their lives.
For many, it’s either serial monogamy, serial loneliness, or – in the case of people like Donald Trump and J.Lo – serial divorce.
Twenty-six percent of American households now consists of one person living alone, according to U.S. Census figures, up from 17 percent in 1970.
Because of that, when some single people think about true loves – the kind of relationships that endure for decades – they think about family and their extended family: friends.
While lovers may spend this evening sharing a bubble bath and reading Pablo Neruda poems to each other, unattached women all over the country will be bonding during get-togethers that have become an annual ritual.
Veronica Montoya, a real estate broker who lives on Denver’s north side, will be doing just that: sipping wine with her closest female friends while swapping stories and contemplating.
“I personally have spent more Valentine’s Days single than with a valentine, but the one constant has been my girlfriends,” she told me. “They have been there through everything.”
Though she prides herself on being the kind of friend she would want to have, she, like anyone else, has lost friends. The actions of some have so bewildered her that she decided last year to write a how-to book on friendship.
Interestingly, after searching at a bookstore I was struck by how many books were dedicated to dating, romantic love and marriage. There were a few titles on friendship, but most related to coping after losing a friend or were written for teens.
I told Montoya the minute her book gets published, hopefully this year, I plan to give copies to all my close friends, because even solid friendships need guidance.
In honor of the important loves of our lives, I share her suggestions and what she calls the “girlfriend code of ethics.”
Montoya starts with a self-reflecting question: Are you the type of girlfriend you want in your life? “You have to be a good girlfriend if you want a good girlfriend,” she said.
She defines good friends as people who know how to listen, who respect other people’s time and talents, are not jealous, and do not judge their friends.
“Envy has to end for a friendship to be strong,” she said. “Your friends are always going to have something you covet. If there’s something they have that you want, you should work for it.”
Being judgmental destroys friendships. “You may not agree with everything they do, but if they are a good friend, you shouldn’t make your love conditional,” Montoya said.
You can’t just want to be around them when they are funny or helpful or warm. There are bound to be conflicts. The ones that survive and grow stronger are ones where both parties have learned to communicate their concerns clearly in a nonthreatening way.
There are countless reasons we need friends in our lives, but women in particular are better off – physically, emotionally and mentally – if they have many close friends.
Several studies have concluded women with close friends live longer. Those who have few friends were more likely to have physical ailments, according to the Nurses’ Health Study of Harvard Medical School, an ongoing study of women that was initiated in 1976. Researchers found that not having close friends was as harmful to your health as smoking or being overweight.
All the more reason to celebrate the other loves of our lives.
Cindy Rodríguez’s column appears Tuesdays and Thursdays in Scene. Contact her at 303-820-1211 or crodriguez@denverpost.com.
