Dear Amy: My mother-in- law died while getting cancer treatment a thousand miles from home. Her son “Steve” was with her when she died. “Charlie,” my other brother-in-law, said he would contact family and friends. Steve overnighted to Charlie my mother-in-law’s phone directory and cards she got from about 70 people.
My wife learned that outside of a few calls made to her immediate circle of friends, nobody had been contacted. People outside her normal circle had not heard of her passing. She became livid when she learned Charlie was preparing a flier to announce her death to mail to all of her friends and family.
My wife got the phone directory from Charlie and made the phone calls before they got the death notices, but she was embarrassed that the calls came days later. Meanwhile, Charlie insists it’s appropriate to send death notices by mail to “second-tier friends,” and he can’t understand why my wife is upset. Could you shed some light on the proper protocol here?
– Afraid to Open My Mail
Dear Afraid: If “Charlie” thought this through, he would realize sending a flier announcing the death of a loved one is a terrible idea. He should ask himself, “How would I feel if I learned about a friend’s death in this way?” I cannot imagine how any “flier” could be worded sensitively or compassionately enough to do the job. Charlie should further ask himself what a “second-tier” friend is and how he makes that distinction.
If placing these calls was too draining or exhausting, he should have asked for help.
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Dear Amy: I’m a junior in high school and have been dating a really nice guy for a little more than a year. My parents love him. His parents like me.
He says he loves me, but I’m a little burned out on him and only like him as a friend. Now I have a crush on his best friend, and I think he likes me too.
I really want to date “Michael,” but I think if I broke up with “Chris,” he would be crushed. I don’t want to cause Chris pain by dating his closest friend.
– Confused
Dear Confused: Unfortunately, your family can’t pick your guy for you. If they could, they would probably do a pretty good job. They’re mature, they’ve known you forever, and they want the best for you.
But your folks can’t forge a connection between you and your boyfriend. It’s all about pheromones and emotions and whether you make each other laugh. Your parents can’t perceive these indefinable qualities in the same way you can.
When you break up with Mr. Nice Guy, do him a favor and don’t lay any of the blame on him. None of this is his fault.
It is unethical to break up with someone then try to date his best friend. At 17 it might not feel as if you can control your feelings, but you can control your actions. Remember that, and choose the right thing.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to your answer to “Concerned Teen,” a 15-year-old girl whose 14-year-old friend had had sex.
I agree with much of what you replied to the girl about talking to a trusted adult and keeping her friend while making it clear she did not like her friend’s decision. But I did not agree with your comment about the letter writer’s promise to stay chaste until marriage.
You seemed to imply the girl was not mature enough yet to make “a more educated decision about becoming sexually active.” I found that dismaying, especially because the young woman writing seemed quite comfortable with her commitment.
I am a freshman in high school, and I (and many of my friends) have made a promise to live chastely. I hope you realize there truly are youth willing to be responsible by living freely through chastity.
– A Teen Fired for Christ
Dear Teen: I worry about teen pronouncements about what you will or won’t do over the next decade of your life, but it’s certainly hard to argue with chastity – certainly at your age.
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