Dear Amy: I work in a diverse store of mostly mid- to late-20-somethings. Older people feel compelled to blurt out, “What are you?” as though we should whip out documents to show them “what” we are.
For many of us, this question is sensitive, as our cultural background isn’t the same as our racial makeup. Many of us were born and raised in countries our families are not originally from.
I don’t mind answering polite questions in normal conversation. But these people seem baffled by our polyglot appearance and are often confrontational, even to the point of guessing ethnicities, which they get wrong.
How can I politely tell them I’m not comfortable answering – and that it isn’t their business?
– Mixed
Dear Mixed: This is not a sensitive question; it’s insensitive. Consider some dialogues.
“What are you?” “I’m your salesperson. What can I do for you?” Or you could answer: “I’m a grad student. How about you?” Or: “I’m not comfortable talking about myself. Is there anything you need?” Or: “That’s an unusual question. Why do you ask?” They might respond to your query by saying, “Well, you just have such an unusual look.” If you don’t want to explain, reply with, “Hmmm.” When asked a question that makes you uncomfortable, deflect it, then turn it around by making an innocuous query of your own. This gives people a chance to rethink their phraseology and move on.
The manager at your store might have ideas of how you and your young colleagues could react that is both respectful and good for business.
…
Dear Amy: I am 14 and have a boyfriend. My parents don’t know about him, and I don’t know how to tell them.
I’m not sure they will approve of my having a boyfriend at this age and am worried they will not let me go out with him anymore. All my other friends have boyfriends, and most don’t tell their parents either.
– Boyfriend Breakdown
Dear Breakdown: I hope that parents read your letter and take it as an important reminder to ask their kids questions. Lots of questions.
Nosy-seeming, dorky questions such as, “Do you like anybody at school? Do some of your friends have boyfriends? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want to have a boyfriend?” You have to understand that, sometimes parents are just like middle-schoolers. We aren’t sure what the heck is going on and don’t know how to find out.
Your parents really should do a better job of at least trying to find out what your life is like.
Please help them. Tell the most sympathetic parent that there is a guy you like. Ask her how she feels about letting you go out. If she says you’re too young, ask if your boyfriend could come over to meet them.
I think you’re too young to go out with a guy, but you’re not too young to have a crush and want to hang out with someone, either at your house or out in a group. At home, parents dictate what their standards are, but you can’t know what their standards are if you don’t ask.
Your boyfriend should be willing to meet your parents. If he isn’t, rethink the relationship.
…
Dear Amy: Thank you for printing the letter from the high school senior who found the music room to be a refuge from the cafeteria. The arts are important in so many ways.
It reminded me of my high school, in which the librarian started a philosophy club during lunch hour. Those of us in the club got to eat in a room in the library, and we learned while forming a safe social club.
Years later, I have a Ph.D. – in dance – and teach philosophy to my students along with their dance moves. Kudos to teachers who understand that the cafeteria is one more level of hell in the high school inferno.
– Grateful Philosopher
Dear Philosopher: The high school inferno has made philosophers of a lot of people. Thank goodness for the insightful teachers and staff who offer students an alternative to the cafeteria.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
