Dear Amy: I am a married, 48-year-old mother of two teens.
My elderly mother and I live in different states, but we talk on the phone regularly. The problem is that my mom is always overly generous on gifts to the point that I feel embarrassed or cheap.
For example, this past Mother’s Day, I sent her a nice card and a small gift. I intended to call her Sunday. Meanwhile, she sent me a $150 gift certificate! Also, she called Saturday to thank me for my gift – before I had a chance to phone her! Something like this happens every Mother’s Day.
I’ve always thanked her graciously and told her that it isn’t necessary for her to send a gift, because she is the mother and it is her day to be treated, not mine. She won’t hear of this.
This sort of non-parity also happens on birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and my anniversary – and has gone on for years. She is financially comfortable but on a fixed income. Both my sister and brother are financially needy and depend on her gifts.
Should I buy her more expensive presents to assuage my discomfort?
– Cheapskate
Dear Cheapskate: Buying your mother more expensive gifts will only raise the stakes in this game of “Mother Knows Best.” Your mother clearly enjoys the feeling she gets from being attentive and magnanimous. You should let her.
Do your best to be grateful and effusive, and also to honor her – in your own way, not hers.
…
Dear Amy: I am responding to a recent letter from “At a Loss,” who was 23 and lacking in life skills.
I am 22 and until recently I – or a majority of my friends – could have written this letter.
This is what the baby boomers have given America: adult adolescents who are overeducated, unskilled and usually have a sense of entitlement.
I often disagree with your column, but your answer to that letter was great. I hope that my peers read it and take it to heart.
– Liza
Dear Liza: The response to this letter has been fascinating.
Virtually all of the parents who wrote in castigated me for being too hard on the 23-year-old when I instructed him to hit the bricks and get a job, a home and some life skills – step by step – starting now.
You learn life skills by doing, by asking questions and by making mistakes. Many parents suggested that this young person might have some sort of disorder that prevents him from being a fully functioning adult.
Honestly, a disorder hadn’t occurred to me. I took this 23-year-old’s word for it that his parents simply hadn’t taught him how to take care of himself.
Several young people like yourself have written in to say that their parents have failed them and that they are trying to live in the world as adults with no adult skills.
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