Dear Amy: Most of us function on the adage, “What goes around comes around,” right? I am 60 years old, well-educated and well-traveled. I was a wife for 31 years, have two grown children and have had a fulfilling career.
All of my married life, I supported my husband and children in their pursuits and sacrificed my own needs without resentment.
This is what one does for family. I followed all of the societal rules and have a strong work/ social ethic.
I have severe osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, and I walk with the help of a cane, but I am still able to work part time. My husband found someone else, and we had an amicable divorce, dividing everything up. One cannot mandate love or commitment.
Over the years, I have entertained and treated hundreds of people with gladness, but I have found very little reciprocation. I am liked and respected by work colleagues, acquaintances, etc., and I do not ask for help. I rarely receive invitations, even though I frequently invite people over.
Where did I go wrong? I always felt that at this stage of the game I would be looking toward retirement with someone I had built a life with and who would be there to support me.
And I thought I would have some real friends – none of which has happened. I do have many acquaintances but no real friends.
I have two brothers whom I have not seen for 15 years. We are Christmas-card siblings. I wake up sometimes regretting that I woke up.
What goes around comes around is not always true.
Your thoughts?
– Alone
Dear Alone: My first reaction is that you are depressed, and for many very good reasons.
Ironically, it’s possible that if you had sacrificed fewer of your own needs during the time you were a wife and mother, then you might have more personal resources to draw upon now that you are alone. Your children, for instance, would have been raised with the idea that their mother is an individual whose needs should be respected (along with their own).
They should be rallying around you now and helping you to feel part of a vibrant family unit. You should expect more of them.
You say that “one can’t mandate love and commitment.” I beg to differ.
Mandating commitment is one thing that functioning families do.
You should do two things now. Ask your physician for a referral to a therapist, then reach out for support from a group of people who will definitely understand some of your life’s most painful challenges.
The National Fibromyalgia Association has lists of support groups at fmaware.org.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
