Dear Amy: My granddaughter just finished her freshman year at the university in the town where I live.
She is an intelligent and nice girl, but she lacks social graces and seems to have no “spirit.” She has a boyfriend from high school who is also a nice boy, but when we see them together, it appears that neither of them have many interests.
She answers the phone with a “Hullo” and always seems “down.” She quit her first job on campus and took another one, but she doesn’t work too many hours on that one, either. Everything is “dumb,” “stupid” and too much work.
She needs to work, but with her personality and lack of spirit, I doubt that she could get a full-time job.
We have talked to her about jobs and told her we realize this year is a hard year to adjust to. Is there some way, without nagging, to get her to be more personable and charming? I see other girls who have so much going for them, but I don’t see that in her.
We were thinking of giving her $1,000 next school year to help her out but decided that if she didn’t work much this summer, we would not do that.
What do you think?
– Concerned Grandparents
Dear Grandparents: Your granddaughter might be depressed. She also might be someone whose flame just naturally burns a little less brightly than you would like.
Or she might be a young woman who feels intimidated by the fact that her grandparents seem to be judging her. “Hullo” is a great way to avoid having a conversation where your syntax, your job, boyfriend or college experience might be compared to other, more accomplished people your age.
I don’t like the idea of using money to make deals with or attempt to control family members. If you want to give your granddaughter $1,000, by all means do so. Perhaps you could offer to match whatever she earns over the summer as an incentive for her to work hard.
But your role should be to adore and enjoy her as she is. The rest of the world will give her her share of lumps and bumps. If she is continuing with college, working at a job and moving forward in a basic way, your message to her should be, “We believe in you and want the best for you, and we’d like to help you to make the very best of your potential.” Imagine what a powerful and positive message that would be.
…
Dear Amy: My ex-husband remarried eight years ago and lives on the East Coast. He has been estranged from our three grown children for some time (they used to be close).
Last weekend he and his wife flew in to Los Angeles to visit. I was hoping that our children could mend their relationship with their father.
His wife told my son-in-law that the food that he and my daughter served at their wedding was not to her liking (it was catered by a hotel in Beverly Hills), and that she had had better food at McDonald’s.
When my daughter told me this, I couldn’t believe my ears.
My son-in-law decided that the best thing to do was just to ignore her rudeness.
Any suggestions on how to handle this type of inappropriate behavior?
– Linda From L.A.
Dear Linda: When people say rude or hurtful things, ignoring them might be the best course of action, given the circumstances and the people involved. However, I find it refreshing when people respond to rudeness by saying something to the effect of, “Wow. I’m surprised that you said that. It hurt my feelings.” This is an honest and direct reaction that also has the advantage of throwing the conversational grenade back at the perpetrator.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
