Dear Amy: I thought that I was working toward a relationship with a mature, yet younger woman.
She recently celebrated a birthday. I sent flowers and bought a couple of other gifts that totaled almost $200.
The coincidence is that my birthday was right after hers. I didn’t even get a card. Now I am not sure if a relationship is even possible.
Am I making too big a deal about this, or should I be bothered by her lack of consideration?
– Birthday Blues
Dear Blues: Every experience you have in a relationship offers a glimpse into the future. A smart person uses these glimpses to form a reliable, bigger picture, while not blowing any one thing too much out of proportion.
And speaking of proportion, while your girl did way too little for your birthday, it is possible that you did way too much for hers.
Her lack of consideration to you might be a result of feeling a little crowded or overwhelmed by your attention. Granted, if this is true, then she overreacted by completely ignoring your day, but this should be the start of a conversation that the two of you should have.
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Dear Amy: I am responding to the letter from “Confused in College,” the student who is home for the summer and is upset with his parents’ racism.
I grew up with a father who literally hated everyone – non-Caucasians, non-Protestants, welfare recipients, non-Republicans, homosexuals, the homeless, and the list goes on and on.
When I became a mother, I made it absolutely clear that I would not allow him to speak that way in front of my children.
If he began, we would leave the room. It worked, but there was a downside. Those “funny” comments had made up the bulk of his conversation for so many years and he really was unable to converse about much else.
My father died this spring. When my pastor offered his condolences and I told him of the environment I grew up in, he was shocked.
The pastor pointed out that my father taught me a valuable lesson after all – that I didn’t want to be like him.
Your advice in this case was great. Leave the room when the racism rears its ugly head. Point out the stupidity of the parents’ close-mindedness to younger siblings.
Most of all, though, go out and make the world a better place!
– Not My Father’s Daughter
Dear Daughter: Positive determination such as yours is how families turn their futures around.
People who defeat their own history, whether it is one of abuse, trauma, addiction or cruelty, have a tremendously positive impact on the world.
I applaud you and your ongoing efforts to bury your father’s attitudes forever.
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