Dear Amy: I am a 25-year-old college student with a problem regarding a relationship.
I was married at 21 and divorced at 23. My husband was a physician and had an affair with his nurse. Shortly after I left him, I began dating “Jack.” Jack and I dated for 2 1/2 years. I knew I would marry him when I was again ready for the commitment of marriage. After two-plus years, he bought me a wedding ring set.
But one month later, I moved out of the home we shared. I told Jack that I wasn’t sure why I was leaving. I met a guy named “George” at work six months before I left Jack.
Immediately upon leaving Jack, I began seeing George. After a few months, I felt that I needed to begin talking with Jack again. I have been talking to and seeing both Jack and George for the past two months. They both know about the other, and I have been very honest with them. I feel stuck.
I know I love Jack, and I really like George. I am afraid to make a choice between them. Both guys are waiting for me.
Can you help me at all?
– Torn
Dear Torn: You think that you have to make a choice between “Jack” and “George.” I think you need to make a choice between being single and being part of a couple.
It might help if you “re-wound” your tape – all the way back to your marriage. Why go back that far? Because I believe that you are letting the painful ending of that relationship dictate your behavior.
You say that you don’t know why you do certain things. Before you can make a decision, you should understand your own motivations. You need to do some excavation work.
To help you make some real decisions about your life, therapy will give you the tools to make connections between your past and the present. A thoughtful therapist will help you to dig through the rubble and build a new you. When that happens, you won’t be paralyzed by your choices.
…
Dear Amy: I have a cellphone issue with a certain person who will call to chat while riding in her car, and as soon as she arrives at the destination, will say, “Oops, I’m there. Gotta go. Bye” and cut off the chat (which she initiated) mid-conversation.
If she said, “I’m in my car and have a quick question,” I wouldn’t mind. But this is supposed to take the place of former “visits” on the phone, as we don’t live in the same state.
This is a person I have a good relationship with, who used to call from home and whom I enjoyed visiting with. (And, no, I don’t do most of the talking.) I just feel that it’s rude to try to entertain oneself on a boring drive by calling and then cutting me off because you’ve arrived at your destination. It gives the impression that I’m not worth more than a few minutes between errands.
What do you think?
– I’m Busy Too!
Dear Busy Too: You should tell your friend that you’ve started to feel like a placeholder between errands. Suggest that she try to reach you from home, or – better yet – offer to get together in person.
It sounds as if the two of you really need to catch up, face to face.
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