In a scene almost too stereotyped to be true, the conversation took place in the steam room at a local gym a few months ago. A gay friend wanted to pass along some juicy gossip.
He knew a guy who claimed to be having an affair with a man working for one of America’s most anti-gay institutions.
No, it wasn’t the former male escort who claims he had trysts with the head of the National Association of Evangelicals, the Rev. Ted Haggard.
This was, I was told, a person having a sexual relationship with someone he cared about but didn’t really know. The fellow, my friend said, was shocked as he channel-surfed and discovered his lover testifying on C-SPAN against gay rights.
I grasp the hypocrisy when anti-gay icons are accused of having had secret homosexual lives. So I understand the fuss about Haggard, who resigned Thursday as head of the association and temporarily stepped down from his pastorate at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, pending an investigation by church overseers.
The preacher has denied that he had sex with male escort Mike Jones.
If he did, he’ll be the butt of more jokes than Jimmy Swaggart, an evangelist with a fondness for the world’s oldest profession.
But as other gay-rights supporters celebrate Haggard’s troubles, I’m trying to focus on the world where I want to live. It is a place where people’s private lives are just that. It is a world where sexual orientation is much less important than the ability to treat others with consideration and dignity.
Before the crazies start writing, let me add that this will put buggerers, pederasts and bestiality buffs out of business, not to mention prostitutes.
Most important, in my perfect world, love governs sexual relationships, no matter the gender of those involved.
This was the family value I tried to teach my kids.
It is the family value I try to apply to my own life.
The notion of “outing” your “lover” is a contradiction in terms, regardless of your sexuality. If you have genuine feelings for someone with whom you’re involved, you simply don’t do that.
If you do, well, you had nothing more intimate than dogs in heat.
Meanwhile, believing in individual privacy and a live-and-let-live philosophy makes reveling in exposing anyone’s sexuality a problem. It puts you with folks like Focus on the Family founder James Dobson, who recently asked so-called “values voters” not to vote for candidates who employ gay staff.
This was what I was thinking in the steam room at the gym. It is what I’m thinking as the accusations about Ted Haggard unfold.
The “gotcha” factor matters. Those who try to codify hatred of homosexuality in, say, passing constitutional amendments banning gay marriage turn bigotry into public policy. Haggard has been less strident than many. But he supports an anti-gay-marriage amendment and preaches against homosexuality. If folks like Haggard indulge in the behavior they condemn, we ought to know. However, a lack of respect for someone with whom you’re been physically intimate matters just as much. Or should.
So while Haggard takes his lumps, I work to reaffirm my belief that everyone’s sexuality and sex life are no one else’s business.
Be it man or woman, soliciting prostitutes exploits people. Cheating on your spouse or partner demeans them. And yet, as the Bible says, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Sure, not everyone has had an affair. But we all have made mistakes. We all have been hypocrites. We all have been hurt by those we care about.
So let’s focus on caring in ways that presume the understanding and forgiveness that separate love from lust.
That’s what I told my gay friend in the steam room. That’s what I now remind gay-rights activists tickled by Haggard’s potential disgrace.
You may be out of the closet. But opening the door on folks still cowering inside always makes as good a case for restraint as it does for equal rights.
Jim Spencer’s column appears Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at 303-954-1771 or jspencer@denverpost.com.
