Dear Amy: Recently, my brother, who is 50 years old and has been married for 25 years, confessed to his wife that he had had an affair.
They have five children.
Needless to say, his wife was furious. I can completely understand this reaction. However, I can’t understand why she felt it necessary to tell all five children (ages 13 to 22) the details.
My brother is a hard-working parent who holds down two jobs. He was a good guy until this happened.
I know that he is still a good guy. No one is perfect. I would like to receive verification that my sister-in-law was wrong in revealing this information to these children.
– Wondering Sister
Dear Wondering: While I believe that children should be told a version of the truth about what is going on in their family, I agree with you that offering up details of a parent’s infidelity falls into the category of “things the kids don’t need to know.” If parents are having problems, then they can tell their children that they are having problems (their children no doubt notice this).
While I appreciate your obvious loyalty to your brother, this is his mess, and he needs to clean it up. You should do everything you can to support both of these parents – and your nieces and nephews – during this very challenging time.
Not taking sides would be a good first step.
…
Dear Amy: When it comes to preparing for company, almost everyone has experienced the last-minute need for a cleaning frenzy. It seems natural to want to impress friends and neighbors, but I wonder if our household is normal in the way that we prepare for guests.
My loving wife of more than 25 years is involved in a local women’s book group that meets once a month. When they meet at our household, we set aside the day before to prepare. We go to the grocery store, cook, vacuum and scour the entire downstairs. Even the following day, half the day will be spent in preparation for this one-hour event.
I’ve tried giving my artistic wife free rein to do what she wants on her own, but she insists on telling me where to move things and when to move them.
How can I let her know that becoming her personal cleaning slave before every social event in our home is driving a wedge between us? I have told her this, but the behavior never changes, and I treat each impending get-together with a mixture of resignation and despair.
– Over-prepared in Illinois
Dear Over-prepared: A mixture of resignation and despair? Is it really that bad? By my amateur accounting, this book group probably meets at your house twice a year (presuming that the group shifts from home to home, as most do) My perspective is, it’s natural to go a little overboard when entertaining a group – especially if you don’t entertain very often.
A day of cleaning and several hours of cooking and arranging is part of the work and excitement. Some people even use occasional events as excuses to thoroughly clean and do some redecorating.
Perhaps you could compromise with your wife and budget your time to help her with the preparation, but also leave the house for a time to do something that you enjoy doing. She shouldn’t bark out orders to you.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
