Dear Amy: My husband is going to his 40th high school reunion without me.
Ever since he decided to go, he has pointed out all the reasons he doesn’t want to take me. He says it’s too expensive, for instance, even though money isn’t a problem. He also says that I’ll be bored and not know anyone, even though we dated all through his senior year of high school.
When I continually object to his not wanting me to go, he tells me to go if I want to, but he’ll make sure I’m bored and will regret going. I’m not going to force myself on him after that comment.
He says I’m being stupid when I try to explain that this leaves me with a negative feeling about myself. It makes me feel like I’m too old and not eye candy. It also makes me feel very insecure about our marriage.
Because of things he has said and done in the past, I don’t know if I can get past this hurt. Should I even try? — -Excluded Wife
Dear Excluded: One of the many things I’ve learned from this column is the tension that high school and college reunions bring to relationships. This is a common issue.
I recently had a landmark high school reunion myself and I can assure you that “eye candy” doesn’t exactly describe the typical middle-aged reunion participant — of either gender.
However, reunions are not about reality. They are about spending a brief moment within the fantasy of who we think we were back then and who we wish we were today.
You say you don’t want to force yourself on him, but I think you should consider it. Call your husband’s bluff, go and have a great time, if not with him, then parallel to him.
If your relationship has unraveled to the point where you are feeling devalued and your husband is calling you “stupid,” you’re going to need some professional help.
I hope you will try to get past this — for the sake of your marriage and for your own sake.
Dear Amy: My 17-year-old daughter has always been a great kid. We have always had a very open relationship, and I’m very grateful that she is able to talk to me about anything.
Recently, she told me she has become interested in an older man at work. He is 25, and she has stated that they would like to start dating. I told her I am uncomfortable with this.
She became very upset, and she pointed out that my husband and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 24. I tried to explain that it was a different world then (23 years ago), but that just made her even more angry and upset.
Am I overreacting? Is it a contradiction? — Time Warp Mother
Dear Mother: I’m not sure the world has changed as much as you think in the last 23 years, though your perspective certainly has shifted. One important issue for you to research is the age of consent in your state. (In most states, the age of consent for a sexual relationship is around age 17. This doesn’t mean that you are sanctioning a sexual relationship, but it is information you should have.) Your personal history makes your point of view more than valid. Of course your position represents a contradiction, so you should start this conversation by admitting it.
You are in the ideal position to understand your daughter’s impulses. You should also make every effort to meet the man in question.
Your husband is a very important player in this family drama. Please involve him in this conversation.
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