Dear Amy: My wife and I just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary.
I accidentally discovered that she had a baby out of wedlock two years before we met, three years before we married.
We’ve had some very heated discussions about this.
I feel she has been dishonest by not telling me this. She claims that this happened before I knew her and that it’s none of my business.
Who is right? — Longtime Married
Dear Married: You don’t say so, but I’m going to assume that your wife placed this baby up for adoption.
Having a child your husband doesn’t know about isn’t one of those little “none of your business” secrets many of us have — along the lines of “I voted for Ralph Nader” or “I used to have a crush on your brother.” Having a baby is as big as it gets, and your wife should have disclosed this to you. It’s one of those important lifetime facts that partners should know about each other.
In a marriage, you should know not only the best parts of each other’s pasts, but also the most distressing or painful.
You could assume that this causes your wife a certain amount of pain and that she is masking her more challenging emotions by being angry with you. If you could put aside your own distress and ask your wife thoughtful and respectful questions about this period of her life, it might defuse her anger and evoke other emotions.
For your wife to understand your reaction, she only has to imagine how she would feel if the roles were reversed and you had fathered a baby.
I would urge both of you to work this out in therapy. This is an important moment in your marriage.
Dear Amy: I attended a baby shower for the daughter of a close family member.
We drove three hours with other relatives to attend the noontime shower in another state.
We were told it was a nice restaurant, so we all dressed up. It was a cold, wintry day, and we arrived from the long trip just before noon, expecting a nice hot meal to share with family we don’t see very often.
We were shocked when we were served a skimpy, cold deli platter, half-stale rolls and a bowl of pickles.
We each spent around $50 on baby gifts, plus the gas for the long car ride.
Am I wrong to feel so slighted? I’ll be seeing this relative soon, and I know she will ask how we liked the shower. Should I tell her my true feelings? My husband says to let it go and to pass on the next invitation. — Lynn
Dear Lynn: Back in the day, baby showers were about “showering” an expectant mom with gifts for the baby. These events were held in the host’s living room with punch, wine, homemade casseroles and sweets to eat.
It is obvious that you don’t think your relatives went to enough trouble or expense to entertain you and make your trip worthwhile, but I would remind you that your gas money and $50 gift were investments for the baby, who fortunately wasn’t at this event to witness your pique.
Of course you should not convey your disappointment to the host.
That would just compound your rudeness.
Dear Amy: I want to share my response when people inquire about my age and I don’t want to reveal it.
I say, “Age is just a number and mine, like my phone number, is unlisted.” — Kansas Senior
Dear Senior: Touche!
Dear Amy: I’m responding to a letter about “Uncle George,” whose younger relatives learned he had lied about his age when they wanted to have his birth certificate framed for a “landmark birthday.” If Uncle George is a member of “the Greatest Generation,” he may have been one of those brave and eager young men who inflated his age to serve his country in World War II. — A Chicago Reader
Dear Chicago: I’ve received many letters from and about young men who did just that. Thank you all.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
