Dear Amy: To keep the invitees to our son’s wedding at a reasonable number, we chose not to invite cousins of the bride’s and groom’s parents.
My mother-in-law suggested sending announcements to those not invited. Believing that a formal announcement compels the receiver to send a gift, I suggested finding another way to inform this group — maybe a postcard with a photo for Valentine’s Day.
Without my knowledge, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law decided to mail out formal, printed announcements of our son’s wedding anyway.
I discovered this when my son’s fiancee told me how delighted she was to learn that announcements had been sent (because it meant more loot for them, I suspect).
I’m most upset with my husband, who was in on this decision so as not to create waves with his mother and sister.
I’m spitting and sputtering over this. I will move past it because no one was hurt, and I want to feel joyful on my son’s wedding day, but I am curious to hear your thoughts. Was this beyond the pale? — Mother of the Groom
Dear Mother: Spit and sputter away, this is beyond the pale.
Your husband and his family did an end run around you because they disagreed with your views. I’m not surprised at your reaction, but I am somewhat surprised that the bride and groom didn’t mind this.
Normally brides and grooms like to be in charge of their weddings, certainly of mailings sent out in their names — in your family it seems that everyone is in charge.
This attitude could make for an eventful wedding.
While I agree with your reaction to this, I also agree with your very important decision not to let this ruin or further affect your enjoyment of this day.
Dear Amy: I’m writing about “MJ,” whose sister is taking care of her elderly mother at home after her surgery. MJ was convinced her sister wouldn’t accept money as compensation for her caretaking.
Don’t be so sure MJ’s sister is too proud to take money. If her sister hadn’t been available, MJ would have had to pay someone else.
Why are people afraid to ask their relatives, especially someone who’s out of work, to work for them? I was in the same situation as MJ’s sister. I had lost my job, and my elderly mother needed someone to help take care of her.
My mother paid me to take care of her while my brother and sister worked. I worked for my mother five days a week, and my sister and brother took turns on the weekend. This helped them because they worked, and it helped supplement my income. Not only that, I had extra time to spend with my mother.
My mother passed away, and I had the honor of being with her during her last days.
Please don’t assume anything or be afraid to ask your siblings to help you, or if you can help them. You might be surprised at the answer. — Loving Daughter
Dear Daughter: I completely agree with you that caretaking is an important skill with monetary value. I wish that more families operated as yours did, compensating a family member for full-time care, just as they would an outside caregiver.
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